Teleen's Journal

So I had a dream last night (bear with me, because I know that studies have shown that nothing is more boring than listening to other people's dreams), I had a dream that we actually had to say in person everything we wrote online to the people we were saying it about/to. 

It was intense.  It was probably also prompted by this post by sparkindarkness, which features a video from Holy Bullies and Headless Monsters showcasing the homophobic tweets that people sent #tomyunbornchild.

In any case, I'd really like for all of you to take a moment and think about everything you've ever written about/to anyone on the internet.  Now imagine them standing in front of you.

How many of you would still call them the names you've called them online?  Some of you would, I know.  Some of you aren't cowards, hiding behind screen names or sometimes not even that.  Some of you would own what you say, think, and feel, by saying it to a person's face.

But many of you wouldn't.  Because to many of you, the people represented by every line of text one finds online (even the bots were programmed by someone), EVERYONE is a bot.  No one is real.  We're all just characters in a big game.  Some of it is human socialization.  When interacting with others I think it's 70% how you look, 20% how you say something, and 10% what you actually said (numbers pulled directly from my ass, but I think they're pretty close to reality). 

Online, it's 100% what you said.  Online, we are what we type.  Not only that, but unlike with most face-to-face interaction, there is no body language, no nuance of expression, nothing but words on a screen.  To many of you, that's all I am, for better or worse, I'm words on a screen. 

I've said and done hurtful things, both in person and online.  Online, it's forever.  There is no way to "make up" with someone online, not really, because the connection is at once tenuous and permanent.  If I misspeak offline, I still may make an enemy for life (or at least lose a chance at a friendship), but let's be honest here - human memory fades and it's much easier to make amends to a person than a screen name.

The internet doesn't fade.  The internet is forever.  Every poor choice of words, shitty opinion, sleepy tirade, or stupid comment is just there.  Even if someone deletes, there are screencaps and WayBack machines. 

Where am I going with this?  I'm not really sure, I just needed to articulate my unease with the idea that to many people with whom I interact online, I'm not a real person.  Why else would so many people call the world outside the internet "real life," when in fact it is "offline life?"  (rm did a good post about this a while back that I'm too lazy to go and look up.)

I remember once reading a fiction story that described a mental disorder in which a person didn't believe that every person around them was in fact "real."  They knew that they were "real," and felt that others could be "real" as well, but for them most people were simply two-dimensional characters, with no true thoughts, feelings, or lives of their own. 

I am not a character in Sim City.  Neither are you.  What we say and do here may be escapism from everyday pressures such as bills, work, homophobia, racism, sexism, or just the general pain of living, but everyone with whom we interact has problems, maybe not just like ours, but problems all the same.  Everyone has pain.  Everyone has tragedy.  Your pain does not make my pain less, nor does my pain make your pain less, nor should it.  We are all human beings. 

We all have privilege to one degree or another (simply the act of being able to get online to read this- Hell, simply the act of reading is a privilege), but there is no one can see this who has not suffered.  No one who has not felt pain or loss or alienation from others.

And the internet is the ultimate alienation.  We're all just words on a screen to one another, which means that far more than with face-to-face or even telephone interactions, we must choose our words with care, thoughtfulness, and patience.  We must not be rash, or hasty, or cruel if we can avoid it.

But we are.  Unless you're a total lurker (as I was for many years - ah, the salad days!), the odds are good that you've said or done something online that has hurt someone else.  That hurt has been real.  It was a real person you were calling horrible and while you may have felt they deserved it (and they certainly may have), I still have to ask - Would you have said it to their face?"  Or signed the name that people know you face-to-face to it?

Do you own what you say, think, and feel here where you don't have to?  Would you say everything you think of me if we met offline?

I hope you would.  I hope I would.  Actually, I know I would because I have.  I've told people that I just met that they had terrible opinions and I've called people out at work and school when they've said something nasty.  Not every time, but then, I don't engage every time online, either.  And just as with here, I don't win friends and influence people... but sometimes I do, :). 

Again, where am I going with this?  Nowhere, obviously.  I'm just a 35-year-old, white, US-born woman, sitting in my pajamas in an office chair with a tabby cat on my desk in my messy office, listening to my bed call my name because I can go back and sleep a little longer today before I go to work, writing about a dream I had last night. 

I have homework to do, bills to pay, and paperwork I need to file.  I have problems.  I have pain.  I broke down crying for a moment last night when I saw the same tabby cat that's sitting on my desk right now out of the corner of my eye and for a moment, my brain forgot Buttons was dead.  I have joy.  I cuddled up with my husband last night and I'm done with school for the week.  I also cooked myself chicken for breakfast.

I'm a boring, ordinary, living, breathing human being with an average number of problems that are almost certainly worse in my head than they are in reality. 

I'm real, though.  I'm a real person with real thoughts, real feelings, and real pain.  You can hurt me, if you have that desire. 

I am a living, breathing human being.  Nothing more, but certainly nothing less.

And so are all of you.  I'm going to try to do better about remembering that. 

I would sign my full name to this, but that's against LJ's TOS, so I'll just say - Eh, perhaps not.

With warmest regards,

Beverly J. Horsley

As everyone who reads this should know, I'm pansexual.  I am attracted to personalities, not physical appearance.  I can appreciate someone whom society tells me is beautiful, but their gender enters into it only as an afterthought.  In addition to this, I don't believe in monogamy.  While I'm very committed to those whom I love, I don't allow jealousy or possessiveness.  Period.  I'm not an object - I'm a human being.  And so are those whom I love and/or have sex with.

There are those who feel that my identity as a human being is immoral, that a person should only love one person of the opposite gender (or only one person, as I am discriminated against by some gay, lesbian and bisexual persons as well for not being monogamous).  People look down on me for being free with my sexuality. 

They tell me that I'm immoral, but they never adequately explain how or why.  Why is it immoral for me to love more than one person?  Hell, so long as everyone practices safe sex (in the interests of public health), why is it immoral for me to fuck every person I feel sexually attracted to?  

Who am I hurting?  So long as I am not an unsafe sex-practicing carrier of disease and make no promises that I can't or won't keep, how does my identity as a human being hurt anyone else?  I'm honest, up-front and completely open with who I am.  

Who am I hurting?  No one.  But there are those who feel that my sex life is their business and that they have a right to control me in the name of a morality to which I don't subscribe.

To me, something is moral if it causes no direct harm to anyone else.  It is moral if everyone is adult and it is consensual.  It is moral if it is honest. 

My identity is moral.  Period. 
(  Under the cut is an incredibly long exploration of possible reasons why our society sees certain identities as immoral, as well as the possible causes of GLBTQP identities. (WARNING: This will likely be offensive to some of you, but I do have a method to my madness. I hope. If I fail, please let me know how, because I tried really hard not to fail with this post.) There is also an examination of the differences between civilized and uncivilized human beings.  )
So when you tell me that I'm less than human because your 'morality' tells you so, I reject your morality.  I reject your primitive version of civilization.  I reject your identity as an asshat, because again, unless you are a born asshat (i.e., a psychopath), you can choose to be a decent, civilized human being instead.  

I didn't choose my sexual identity, but I did choose my identity as a decent, civilized and ultimately (despite my many, many failings) moral human being.  


ETA: I'm rather glad that I thought of something cool to post about for my 600th entry, :).

There have been a lot of posts on my friends' lists lately about bullying and a lot of stories in the news about it, which has forced me to go back to my own childhood and actually think about sharing what I went through.  This part of my youth is separate from every other part.  It's the icing on a very large cake filled with bullshit and it's something that I think about less than most of the other pains from that time. 

I'm going to start generally, because it's the only way I can even begin to find a place to start.

( Cut for EPIC!Length.  )

This entry is long, rambling, repetitive, probably incoherent and I feel as though I've strayed from my essential point.  You be the judge.  

I have an account over there.  Someone gave me an invite code a while ago and I thought it'd be good to have if I wanted to log in and comment on something.  The name there is the same as the name here and if you friend me over there, I'll friend you back.

That said, I'm pretty much never on Dreamwidth unless I'm linked there by someone else.  I had to struggle to remember my username over there the other day when someone friended me.

I also have no plans whatsoever to migrate for the simple reason that I've only recently gotten the hang of LJ, FFS (after ten years, thank you very much) and I really don't have the time to futz around with another platform right now.

Plus, I think that Dreamwidth is ugly.  The color scheme is hard on the eyes and I don't like looking at it.  While I know that I could probably customize it to make it less so, again, I don't have the time to futz around with it right now.

( Finally, and this is just me being a total bitch -  )

Moral of this whine?  I'll migrate to Dreamwidth when the pain in the ass of doing so is less than the pain in the ass that is LJ. 

This post is going to be very boring, but for no reason that I can fathom my brain is making me write it before it will let me continue writing Chapter 67, which I have been doing, slowly but surely.

For those of you who are interested (i.e. none of you) the process that a chapter of The Perfect Storm goes through before you all see it is fairly elaborate. 

( Cut for the cure to insomnia. Read it only if you're in need of a sleep aid. )

By the time that it's visible in every place that I post, every chapter has been read a minimum of half a dozen times and there are five different files that have to be corrected for every one typo that is found.  Which is why I firmly believe that there are gremlins who are attempting to drive me insane every time y'all find one.

It's also why I'm so very grateful when they're found.  No seriously, I am.  Those gremlins need every eye out there to keep them from overrunning us all!  

Yes, I am very strange IRL - why do you ask?

I will continue to reward those who find multiple typos with drabbles, so keep your eyes peeled, :)! 

Thanks, ;).