On Bullying

[teleen_fiction]

There have been a lot of posts on my friends' lists lately about bullying and a lot of stories in the news about it, which has forced me to go back to my own childhood and actually think about sharing what I went through.  This part of my youth is separate from every other part.  It's the icing on a very large cake filled with bullshit and it's something that I think about less than most of the other pains from that time. 

I'm going to start generally, because it's the only way I can even begin to find a place to start.

My first thought on the subject is that this is not a new issue.  People have been bullied since the dawn of time because as a species, our instincts tell us that anyone who is different is not to be trusted and might cause hurt to the herd as a whole.  In the animal kingdom, it's rare for other animals to help an injured fellow.  It happens, but it's rare enough that when it does, it's considered unusual from everything I've seen.  And the smarter the animal, the more likely it seems to be that it will happen.

So bullying goes back to our basest origins.  It is the animal part of us that says we all must be the same, we all must conform for the good of the tribe, because we're all hunting and gathering and there's no time for anyone who's unusual in the crowd.  Some tribes of humans eventually realized that those who are different might still be able to contribute and found ways for them to do so.

Some didn't. 

There is always the question as to why bullying is tolerated.  The answer is two-fold.

1) There's a perception that childhood is something that's supposed to toughen a person up for the real world and being bullied will make someone stronger. It's very definitely a sink or swim proposition, as so many recent news articles show.  Because if the kid isn't strong enough to survive a few taunts and pranks, a few minor bruises, how will they ever be able to make it in the real world?  If that sounds familiar, it's because it's the same argument that abusive parents have been using forever when they force their kids to go out for sports.

2) Those who are bullied are different.  They are usually non-conformist and often question authority, which makes it easy for the authorities to turn a blind eye.  Or they aren't.  They're the ones who are easy for the administrators to get along with, the ones who wouldn't say shit if they had a mouth full of it (this was me, by the way) and because the squeaky wheel gets the grease, they're the ones that are passed over, the ones who suffer in silence until it's too late.

I was bullied.  I was bullied for years.  The only taunt I can really remember is 'ugly', though I'm sure there were others that have passed out of my mind.  I was a weird kid in school.  Very smart, very quiet and undeniably weird.  

The bullying doesn't really affect me much anymore.  What affects me is the one time I bullied.  I was an outcast, but there is always someone who's more outcast.  I remember her name, but for the purposes of this, I'll call her J.  J. was fat.  And when I say fat, I mean huge.  She was a nine-year-old and weighed 125lbs.  She and I would sometimes hang out because we were both outcasts.  One day, I made a joke at her expense.  I said that she was going to be fat for Halloween.  I did it to try and get an 'in' with the crowd who was bullying me, which was stupid in retrospect, but I was nine.

I was bullied for something like a dozen years to one degree or another, but that's what I remember. 

When I got to high school, I started standing up for myself and for anyone else whom I perceived to be the underdog.  

I was still the weird girl.  But I was a weird girl who was a full-blown woman from the neck down in high school, so I was able to find friends.

I hung out with the outcasts who were the criminal element in our school.  The 'hoods'.  They did little more than bring alcohol to school, smoke a little pot and cigarettes, all of which I was excluded from, by the way.  None of them wanted to corrupt me.  Even among the hoods, I was still different.  

In the real world, I'm still an outcast.  Yes, I have friends.  Yes, I love them.  But I still feel as though I'm the weird one, the one who always knows just enough to be dangerous about a given topic, but not enough to really talk about it intelligently.  

Also, I lied when I said that the bullying didn't affect me.  It's made me distrustful of people, because for a long time people only pretended to be my friends when they thought they could get something out of it.  It's occasionally made me more passive - I always avoid a fight when I can, even though the bullying really was never physical that I can recall.  

I sometimes wonder how much of my childhood I've forgotten. 

And I've given in to bullies as an adult.  Despite my ideals that I'd never let a bully affect me again, I still gave in to one.

She was an internet bully, a troll.  I was intimidated by her and by the shit she'd done to others.  I lost friends because of her, because of how I behaved when I was around her, stupidly wanting to fit in with the cool troll who didn't give a shit what anyone thought.  I disregarded the feelings of someone who had every right to those feelings and there's no way that I can ever apologize for it, the depth of the fail was that much.

For what it's worth, I am sorry, though.  I'm sorry for liking her.  I'm sorry for trusting her.  And I'm sorry for losing my principles, so very recently.  

And that's the trap of a bully.  I found myself wanting to fit in with her, wanting to be cool with her and not because she was a bully and I was afraid, but because on some level, I agreed with her.  I could have lied there and said I only got in league with her because I was afraid of her, but it's deeper than that.  She and I had chat conversations and I could see her point of view so easily.  It's a point of view that I've been trying to escape, but for a little while there, she let me be who I used to be.  

She let me have all the privilege I wanted and not have to feel guilty about it.  Why feel guilty, anyway?  This is only the internet, right?  Anyone who doesn't like what's here can just turn off the glowing box, right?  

It's not that simple, though. 

Leaving aside the privilege, she also made me feel as though she was on my side.  After all, there was a whole anonymous meme and I was the first person that they bothered to talk about.  And kept talking about.  There may or may not be people who are still on my friends list who also were a part of that meme.  I say that because there were things shared on that meme that only could have come from locked posts.

I'd like to believe it was the troll who shared them there, but I have a couple of other suspects.  And yes, they were fairly innocuous things - nothing about my childhood or my current problems - but still...  The only way that they could have been known to be shared was if someone who had access to my locked posts shared them.  

An anonymous meme is very tempting though, isn't it?  You can go and talk about someone behind their back and then go back and read all of their most personal juicy tidbits.  You wouldn't share the really personal stuff, though, would you?  Only the stuff that 'defends' the person on whose friends' list you are, even though by the act of defending me, you betrayed me and my trust. 

So now I have to wonder who is still on my friends list that I can't trust?   And while I do think that the internet is public and that one shouldn't share anything here unless one wants it printed on the front page of the New York Times, that's only because I don't trust anyone.

I don't trust anyone because people like you and the troll (who might be the same person, I'm not discounting that), shared things that I put in locked posts.  Minor things.  Things that are unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
 

But still.  Locked posts. 

It may seem as though I've digressed here, but I haven't, because that's what bullying teaches.  It teaches you that you have to bully or be bullied.  You're either the hunter or the prey.  You side with the trolls or you get trolled.

And you can't trust anyone.  Because one day you might piss off one of your friends and have them publish your personal PM's that you sent back and forth, but it was no more than you deserved for friending a troll in the first place. 

I haven't posted on this before now because everyone always says, "DO NOT ENGAGE".  Ignore a troll and they'll go away.  I didn't give in to the wankfest because I felt I deserved it.  I deserved to have my personal PM's published because of who I sent them to in the first place.  It was my fault for trusting someone with whom I'd had long conversations on chat about various topics.  Conversations that I won't share, despite having the troll's permission to do so, because it's wrong.  

It was a private conversation and private conversations are private.  Now, those of you who know me know that I have one exception to this - RIII.  If you tell one of us something, you're telling the other.  But we make no secret of this.  If there's something that you're telling one of us that you don't want the other to know, don't tell us.  Period.  Because the trust between us is more important than the trust between you and I, whomever you are.  I don't say that to be offensive - I say it because it's true.  And I expect any other similar partnership to behave in the same fashion.

The problem is that I can't share any of this with him because his answer would be that I just shouldn't have been online in the first place.  Plus, it really doesn't matter.  So a troll published my private conversations and some other anonymice are talking about me elsewhere.

Who cares?

I'd be lying if I said I didn't, but here's the thing and here's what I truly wish that we could get through to everyone who's ever been a victim of bullying in school - it only matters as much as you let it.  Dan Savage's project sounds like a good idea in theory and I'd be participating if I had a camera, but here's the thing - to someone who's in that dark place, who sees no end to the pain, who sees their pain as unique to all human experience - no amount of 'hang in there' will help.  

So what's the solution?  Well, most bullying stems from a person not conforming to societal norms.  As kadymae posted today, we have to work from the top down.  We have to change as a society and stop behaving like mindless animals who only follow our baser instincts.  We have to start seeing people as individuals and judge them based upon how they treat other human beings, not on any arbitrary factors, like race, weight, looks, sexual orientation, gender identity - all of those things are insignificant when one looks at the broader range of human experience.  I don't mean in any way to diminish what those with differences go through. but I do wish that we, as a society, could come to a place where they wouldn't have to go through so much, where people could just be themselves without all of that extra baggage about who they fuck or what surgery they had or how much they weigh. 

Is that really too much to ask?  I'm beginning to think that it is. 

A while back, someone said to me that I seemed unusually accepting of those who are different.  It really threw me for a loop because well, a) I can be an asshat sometimes but more importantly, b) why wouldn't I be?

Why should I care?  Why is all of this bullshit so important?  Why should someone be so distraught about their roommate filming them having sex with someone else that they kill themselves?  To me, that reflects badly on the roommate.  That shows them to be an untrustworthy piece of human filth who is most likely in the closet, because why else would you care so much about two men having sex?  Oh, and it's wrong-thinking on my part, but RIII and I have lately come to the conclusion that anyone who is vehemently anti-gay is most likely closeted.  It may not be the truth, but I think that it would be good as a society if we started making that assumption, to make being GLBTQ-positive the way that a person wants to be if they don't want others to think they're gay.  I already know that there are serious problems with that thought, not the least of which is that there's NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GLBTQ IN THE FIRST PLACE, but even so...  

So how do we stop this?  How do we help other people to be as 'unusually accepting' as I am?  I have no fucking clue, because I'm fucking weird, remember?  I was an outcast for not caring.  Hell, to this day, despite my job and the confidence it's given me, I'm still not one of the cool kids.  Oh, I'm cool to other oddballs like myself, but never to anyone who's 'in'.  And I'm beginning, finally, to realize that I don't want to be.

So why did I go with the troll in the first place?  Because she was anti-PC and I thought that I wanted to be too, because the idea of 'thought police' is abhorrent to me.  I'm coming to realize that being PC isn't about policing people's thoughts or telling them what to think, it's about trying to change the way they think to something more positive, to include everyone.  I've always felt that way - I've only rejected the language.  It's time that I started changing that as well, because the language we use IS tied to how we think and the only way to truly accept all other people is to respect them and use respectful language when speaking of them.  

PC might be a dirty word now, but the underlying desire behind it I believe was a good one.  The idea that every human being deserves respect and deserves to be treated with that respect.

I sided with the troll because she was was the underdog (or so I thought).  She was the one who had been wronged and I always want to defend those who've been wronged.  

However.

She took it to a level that went far above and beyond the original level of wrong.  And she won't stop.  It's no longer about getting justice - it's only about getting revenge, the latter of which I always thought I'd be in favor of.  I'm a big fan of revenge stories, but honestly?  This is all pixels on a screen and the only reason for her and her lot to keep it going is because they crave any attention, even negative attention, so long as someone is paying it to them.  I could theorize that a some point the troll was trolled and it made her bitter at the world and willing to go and be just as big of an asshole to other people as they were to her, but it still doesn't excuse her behavior.  

It doesn't excuse her breaching trust and continuing to fan the flames.  And before anyone says that I'm only encouraging her by posting this - oh, well.  The post is on bullying and she's the most recent example I have.  And I admitted that I handled her badly, more than once now, so fuck it.  

She's a bully.  She's a bully who decided that my bad behavior would justify hers.  And she was under no obligation to treat me well or honor my trust, not after I treated her badly.  She was also under no obligation to accept the apology I gave her, no matter how bad I felt.  

I hurt her.  I hurt her and she lashed out at me by breaching my trust to try and give me the same level of hurt I gave to her.  The problem with what she did is that again, even when I post anonymously, I still don't say anything that I wouldn't want shared, because as this situation proves, the only way to keep a secret between two people is if one of them is dead.  So if any of you want to know if I said, 'x', show me the quote and I'll verify it, because I probably did.  

Again, that's what bullying does.  That's what a culture that not only allows, but encourages bullying does.  It shows people that they can't trust anyone. 

And as for those anonymous memes that allow people to wank and talk about others behind their backs without even having to put a flippin' screen name on them?  I think that they're wrong, hurtful and that those who participate in the wank there are weak-willed individuals with the spines of jellyfish.

I will note that the first person who spoke about me probably did call me out to my face, so they at least had enough courage of their convictions to say something to me.  Everyone else though?  Everyone who talked about how wishy-washy I was because I have an open mind or generally had a good time making fun of my various quirks - I hope you had fun.  I hope that running down who I am as a person made you feel better about what's going on in your lives.  I hope that every hurtful thing you said made you feel better about yourselves.  

But did it?  Did it help you to point out my faults and talk about me?   I hope so.  I hope it made you feel better.  I hope it showed you that you're better human beings than I am, that you had the strength of your convictions and never changed your minds about anything.  I hope it showed you that you'll keep your opinion no matter how much evidence is presented to show that you're wrong - but you're not wishy-washy, so that's what matters.  I hope it showed you that you don't have the weakness of having an open mind or being willing to actually listen when someone presents another argument to you.  

I hope it showed you how much better than me you are. 

I won't say that I'm better than you, because I know I'm not.  Hell, I had a locked post with a special filter asking the opinions of others as to whether or not I should de-friend the troll.  I talked about her behind her back, making me no better than any of you anonymice.  It's funny that it took a troll for me to really understand what sort of person I am.  

I'm... average.  It's something of a revelation to me, because I really thought I was different, but no... When the chips are down, I'm just a regular human being, with all of the faults of same.   I want to do better though.  I have an open mind to being a better person, but I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that means. 

A part of me wants to stop locking entries altogether, to just say what I'm thinking and feeling openly if I'm going to say it at all.  I'm not going to for a number of reasons.  The first is to protect my abuser.  I'm still not ready to call him out publicly (or more publicly than a locked post).  The second is that I'd like to believe that I can actually trust everyone on my friends' list, that I've defriended the people who would talk about me behind my back on an anonymous meme.  The final, and most important, is that I have a right to privacy.  

I have a right to have my business be my business.  I have a right to say that some of what I say is private and that those who share it are lower than the scum on the floor of a taxicab.  Just as I'm scum for talking about a troll who thought she was a friend of mine behind her back rather than just coming to her directly and telling her that I thought she was full of shit. 

Bullying is a deeper problem than kids being called names on a playground.  It's something that infects every facet of our society.  It's the sewing circle in the small town talking about everyone in it who's not there.  it's people wondering if Justin Bieber is gay.  It's our human horrified fascination with anyone who is different from us, no matter what that difference is.  It's only human, but it's still a shitty way to behave because most of the time, the differences don't matter.

And the ones who are dangerously different - the rapists, the child predators - know how to hide.  That's the problem with having instincts mixed with intelligence.  We have our instincts telling us that different could be dangerous and most of the time our intelligence isn't enough for us to understand that most of the really dangerous people are smart enough to hide.  But we ignore that and pick on the obviously different because they're easier to catch. 

This entry is long, rambling, repetitive, probably incoherent and I feel as though I've strayed from my essential point.  You be the judge.  

Comments

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

What affects me is the one time I bullied.

I know what you mean here. :( In my primary school, there was one girl who had a lower status than me. I discovered some embarrassing information about her, and I told everyone. I still feel horrible about that to this day. The worst thing is, she never found out that I started the rumour.

I have read that teaching philosophy in schools reduces bullying -- basically, if kids learn to THINK, they're more likely to think about others and how they feel.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Interesting thought and probably true.

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

Interesting about teaching philosophy. Thank you for that info!

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

There's a perception that childhood is something that's supposed to toughen a person up for the real world and being bullied will make someone stronger

I agree with this to a degree.

A certain amount of taunting wakes you up at an early age to the fact that life isn't smooth and fair and that some people are just self-absorbed, lying shitheads. And, if you've got the right personality and/or enough positive reinforcement from home and your peers, it will teach you that you can be tough and stand up for yourself.

But when it's an unrelenting torrent of abuse that follows you home?

Very, very few children and adolescents have that super-resilient personality, and frankly, love from home isn't enough to strengthen the average kid against it.

And I'll say it now, if you are the parent of a child and it's gotten to the point that your kid says something to you about it, or that you notice something that's really wrong.

1) Don't ever tell your kid to stop whining, or to just try to ignore it. Listen, and then give your kids some suggestions on how to stand up for themselves.

(My dad taught me how to fight. It was 100% clear that I was never to throw the first punch unless somebody pushed me, punched me, or was trying to steal from me. And after that, I was okay fight back with everything I had.)

2) If teaching your kid how to deliver a withering counter-putdown and/or throw a punch isn't enough, talk to the school.

3) Write it down. Any time you make a phone call and/or talk to somebody at the school about the issue, fire off an email to the person you talked to. "This is just to confirm the conversation we had on [date], where you said ...."

4) Lawyer up. If the school doesn't take it seriously, doesn't follow through on their word (remember, you've got those emails to document it), and tries to write off egregious abuse as "kids will be kids" you are going to need a lawyer to remind them that they are in loco parentis and have moral and legal obligations for the health, welfare, and safety of your child. And, depending on the kind of abuse, it can be a Civil Rights issue.

5)If you have to go to the press, or if it gets to the press, on top of pointing out that the kind of sustained, documented abuse your child has received would be illegal in the workplace, but also, the issue at this point is not only your kid, but the fact that letting the bullies get away with behavior like this now sets them up for failure later in life when they get into the workplace and don't know appropriate workplace behavior. This repeated pattern of failure to enforce basic standards of civil behavior shows that the Admin and Board are failing everybody elses' kids.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Well said.

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

Excellent piece on bullying! It was cohesive and flowed smoothly, and it was clear how it all comes together.

I left a site because of the effect of one cyber bully that no one else could clearly see. I watched this person manipulate one of my friends who is easily swayed in one area and started "imping" others, starting arguments amongst friends and sowing distrust. All because someone called her out on her pettiness, nastiness, and bigotry. She thinks that no one can guess that she is behind all of this. I pointed this out to several people, but they couldn't see it....

It's about power, the need to exercise power as a percieved necessity for survival. And it's survival of the fittest. The most vulnerable gets picked on the most. It's herd mentality, the need to fit in, which is paradoxically the weakest point, because those who are truly strong do not need to fit in. They survive on their own.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Exactly - well said, :).

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :)

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

PS Thank you for the compliment, :). I wrote this as a giant stream of consciousness, so I'm glad that it came out coherent, heh.

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

:)

Well, for one I knew exactly what you were saying even if I don't know the individuals involved with this anonymice stuff. But it resonated deeply because of the stuff I've been thinking about recently and human behavior I have witnessed and experienced.

But this is the kind of writing had I come across it naive, it would point out a lot of things that I hadn't realized before. Good job :)

[pitry.livejournal.com]

It's interesting, the big about "anti-PC". I have to admit, it reminds me a bit of women who say they're not feminists. I'm always a bit "er... what?" Y'know - unless you really believe men should have more power than women, how can you not be a feminist?

I think it's got a lot to do with bad PR. And there are groups who find it in their best interest to give feminists - or, in this case, PC - bad PR. It's the group of the people who are currently in power, who see their power shift towards the groups who were disenfranchised. And they're afraid of losing that power. So the best solution is to give that movement bad PR. "Feminists are a bunch of butch men-hating lesbians!" or "PC is 'thought-police'". But like you said... PC isn't about thought police. It's about giving something without actually losing anything in return.

(I've already sent you a PM with everything else I wanted to say, but like I said there - good post!)

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Your opinion means a lot to me, :).

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

It just kills me when women say they aren't feminists. Like they need approval from those in control. Men, or patriarchal women.

[ravyn-skye.livejournal.com]

For the record, I am for HUMAN RIGHTS and EQUALITY for ALL people, of all genders (or lack thereof)/races/sexual orientations/religions (or lack thereof), etc., and I would sooner leave a man than let him think he could 'control' me or infantilize me or disrespect me simply because I am a woman.

The reasons I support women's rights, without calling myself a "feminist":

Women identifying as "feminists" have, in SOME cases actually taken certain choices away from women, or at the very least added stigma (or more stigma) to certain choices women might make in their lives.

For instance: Women in the sex industry.

I personally believe that women have the right to chose ANY occupation they feel is right for them, however there are many "feminists" who will condemn women in the sex industry as "setting women's movements back".

Also, there is now a stigma against being a stay-at-home-mom by some women. They equate not working outside the home with being antiquated or lazy or that this would necessarily indicate that you are a slave to your sig other simply because they have a paycheck and you don't.

I believe in women's rights, ALL OF THEM, including the right to be an exotic dancer/porn star/escort and to chose to be a stay-at-home-mom without "feminists" coming in and condemning them for those choices.

[ravyn-skye.livejournal.com]

I don't believe that men should have more power than women, (NOT AT ALL!) however I don't necessarily call myself a 'feminist'. I call myself a 'HUMAN RIGHTS SUPPORTER' and 'EQUALITY FOR ALL' supporter.

I soured on the term "feminist" when I realized that feminism was responsible for taking choices away from women, and adding stigma to certain choices women might make.

For instance: Women in the sex industry. In my view, a woman has a right to choose any occupation she wants without having other women judge her for it, or accuse her of 'setting women's movements back', as some of my exotic dancer friends have been accused of.

Also:

Due to the radical feminist movement in the 70's, and the new boom in 2 income families, where before most families had been one income families, there was a record-setting inflation rate that led to a crash in the 80's.

Because of that past, it makes it almost impossible for most American households to survive on one income, thus that takes away the choice some women would make for themselves to be stay at home moms.

It also put a negative stigma on being a stay-at-home-mom that did not exist before.

I am lucky enough to have an income regardless of the fact that I am a stay-at-home-mom, but I often get people who mock me for that fact, and think I'm just a lay-about and can't work or is so lazy that I refuse to work. I was wanked for being "financially dependent" on my Significant Other, who happens to be the father to my child.

Yes, he supports me financially, however that financial support doesn't translate into his having more POWER in the relationship.

I am all for women working outside the home, and all for working moms. I was raised by a single working mother. (Most of the time she was single, anyway... She was single until I was 7, got married, got divorced when I was almost 12, then remarried when I was 15, divorced again within a year, and now she is back with MY father after a 20 year gap, and they have been together now almost 6 years.)

I am just all for women having the ability to make ANY choice they feel is right for them and their family, or to choose any profession they want to, and not getting crap for their choices.

[ravyn-skye.livejournal.com]

One thing I've learned: It's important to make certain that when defending yourself from bullies, you don't end up BECOMING a bully in the process. You lose the moral high-ground and slowly but surely become more and more jaded and unpleasant to be around.

Considering some of my recent experiences with bullies, and past experiences with friends turned those-who-bully-or-at-least-try-to-bully me, I've come to realize that there are just some people who just NEED to feel in control, (usually because they felt small and helpless and were bullied to extremes in their own past) and when someone takes that control away from them, they have no recourse but to lash out.

These same people, can start off super nice and sweet but once they get a taste of how it feels to 'LULZ PWN' someone on the internet just escalate and escalate until they became an entirely different person; a person that isn't very nice to be around.

There are also the types that just like to hop on the bandwagon and be part of the 'in crowd' that is doing the bullying because they feel it will increase their own social acceptance.

"OH PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ~THIS~ PERSON?!? THEY ARE JUMPING ON THEM?!? I SHOULD TOO! THAT MEANS I'M PART OF THE GROUP!"

They think that making themselves part of the group will make them immune from it ever being THEM that gets attacked, but that isn't the case at all, either.

When you see a group behaving like that, and you chose to associate with them, you could be the target at any time.

It's sad.

Bullying in general is sad, and bullying others speaks to deep insecurities and feelings of helplessness in those who bully. It also speaks of immaturity.

It's one thing to be youthful. It's another to be pushing 40 (or in some cases over 40) and still act like a teenager (in some cases ON PURPOSE!); it isn't cute, it's just sad. Like the mom who dates her daughter's immature 19 year old guy friends or something.

Those who ARE bullied really can't win; once it gets going there is no stopping it, so my advice is to just keep being yourself and doing what you do because no amount of changing yourself will ever make a difference to anyone ANYWAY.

I'd rather be myself and happy than spend my life trying to be what other people want or expect me to be and being constantly miserable and second guessing myself, because 'WHAT WILL ~THEY~ THINK?'.

I'm me. I have interests that make me a target for bullies, but no amount of bullying is going to change the fact that I have those interests, just like no amount of bullying is going to stop the kid who likes to play D&D or something. Just because it makes him a geek, should he stop doing something he likes? No.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

IAWTC. I'm always going to be weird and I'm tired of trying to not be for other people. All I can try to do is not hurt other people if I can avoid it, :).

[ravyn-skye.livejournal.com]

I had an entire group of what I thought were good friends decide I was the devil almost overnight... things from there were not pretty.

Regardless of that, I've moved on and I hope most of those people have too.

Life is too short to worry about if everyone loves you or not. IT'S OKAY that not everyone loves me, or that some people hate me. I'm OKAY with that, because at the end of the day I'm okay with myself.

That's what's most important. <3333333

[masterde.livejournal.com]

"Everyone who talked about how wishy-washy I was because I have an open mind or generally had a good time making fun of my various quirks - I hope you had fun. I hope that running down who I am as a person made you feel better about what's going on in your lives. I hope that every hurtful thing you said made you feel better about yourselves."

If you really meant that and not as a sarcastic remark, I'd have to say, "How very Buddhist of you." If it was sarcastic then not so much with the being like a Buddhist thing.

The Trolls do what they do because they're insecure and need to be right. But not just right about any old thing. Anyone can be right about subject A by saying x, but it takes real brains to be right about subject A by saying y. And it's usually right on a technicality that doesn't hold up in the real world. A Troll needs to "win" in a big way because they have so little self esteem that they need something big to pump themselves up. Then they crash again and have to find something/one else to troll. That's just the nature of the beast that is a Troll. Sad people with sad lives who have nothing better to do than to try and tear someone else down to build themselves up. A Troll is an incomplete person. They are incapable of producing enough self esteem to sustain themselves. It's like being diabetic. Too much sugar, not enough insulin. Too much ego, not enough self esteem.

I'd be lying if I said that I never trolled. I wasn't always so secure in who I am. But I can say that I quickly realized that I didn't recognize that I needed to do it over and over again just to feel good about myself. I recognized that I had found a temporary solution to a (ultimately) temporary problem. Once I figured that out, then I went searching for a permanent solution that didn't involve hurting anyone else.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Re. Buddhism. Hrm, I'd say that it was half-sarcastic, half-Buddhist, ;).

I've never trolled on the internet, but I've been bitchy to people IRL, though in my defense, it's usually been when they've been shitty to me first. The thing is that it takes a LOT of energy to be a troll or a bully - it's a lot easier to be nice, :).

[alafaye]

I can't say when I was first bullied, but it was huge part of my life as a kid and then came home to a dad who belittled me (he let me eat what I wanted, but then teased me about my weight and that I was out of shape and he also teased me about how I was "overly emotional").

I read an article...last year I think...about a new brand of bullies--girls who are the most popular and have everything, etc. And it was a WTF? moment for me since I'd been bullied by those types of girls in my childhood and was wondering when they were new.

And teachers and councilors who tell bullied students "it's going to be okay"...I hated each and every one of them because that doesn't solve anything and never made things better.

I have to say though that I am one of those people who doesn't think about how other people are different. I never think of describing someone as "the gay person" or "that black person". Even when I'm writing, I never use those descriptors because I don't think of people like that. And usually when I'm meeting new people, I don't think about or take in what makes them different from me; I wonder how much we'll have in common.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry that you had to go through that, :(.

When it comes to descriptors, I only use them if they're relevant to the story, because if a character is GLBTQ or a PoC or disabled - any of those identities inform their experiences and who they are as a person. Someone who has experienced GLBTQ-bashing, for example, might react differently in a situation than someone who is heterosexual, if that makes sense.

As nice as it would be if we could all ignore our differences and be 'colorblind', it's not always an option when those differences inform who we are as individuals and refusing to see them can be construed as its own form of bias.

Just my two cents', :).

[ravyn-skye.livejournal.com]

"... because that's what bullying teaches. It teaches you that you have to bully or be bullied. You're either the hunter or the prey..."

I learned that pretty quickly... I was wanked, and admittedly figured out that if I didn't wank back, and ignored it, it was seen as an admission of guilt.

But the thing is, I also learned that wanking back doesn't really do anything either - except take time and energy and make you look just as wanky as the person/people who started it all.

That's when I learned the best lesson: Choose your battles wisely, and don't put effort into anything that you don't feel absolutely PASSIONATE about.

If someone is bashing gays, I might say something to them. If someone is mocking rape victims, I will say something to them.

Someone bitching about my FANDOM PAIRING?

NOT. SO. MUCH.

XD;;;;

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Bullying is a form of abuse, in my mind, honestly.

And you can rant here anytime, :).