Don't Talk To Strangers

[teleen_fiction]

A PSA for every man I encounter on a daily basis:


When I'm in the grocery store, waiting in line at the bank, going into the bookstore at the same time you are, walking across the parking lot...  Basically, if I'm in public, minding my own business and we've never met before, leave me the fuck alone.


I don't care that you like pink (the color of the shorts I was wearing at the store today) or my hair or my dress or my shoes.


I don't care that you want to know what time it is (a common distraction technique for criminals).


I don't care that we're both waiting in the same line boring and you find me attractive so you want to make small talk on the off chance I'll jump on your dick after knowing you for ten seconds.


Don't fucking talk to me.


I don't know you.  If we don't have friends in common or I'm not at work (where I can make money off of you*), I don't even WANT to know you.


Your speaking to me makes me uncomfortable and also makes me wonder if I need to worry about you doing more than speaking. 


I'm a woman alone.  Respect that my paranoia level is up and if you are truly a good, decent and nice human being, YOU WON'T FUCKING ADD TO MY STRESS by being "friendly" with me, a TOTAL STRANGER.


Just... Leave me the fuck alone.


Thank you for your time and attention.


*To everyone who says, "Well, you make money off of men all the time, why don't you like the attention outside of work?" I say, go step on the sharpest Lego you can find.  When I'm alone, not at a social gathering and we have no friends in common, YOU SHOULD NOT BE SPEAKING TO ME UNLESS IT'S TO TELL ME THAT MY HAIR IS ON FIRE (or other equivalent emergency)!

Comments

[frakkin-addict.livejournal.com]

It made me really sad to read this, actually. I think it's important to remember that people can't read your mind. They don't know that being addressed by strangers is a source of stress for you. You make it sound, intentionally or not, I don't know, as though these people are either potential criminals or perverts or people who don't have the slightest clue as to normal socially acceptable boundaries.

I think in general, people are at worst indifferent to these mini-encounters, and at best, enjoy the brief moment of connection with another human being. I don't think of myself as a lonely person, but I'm always uplifted emotionally when someone breaks the I-don't-see-you-please-don't-look-at-me attitude we seem to walk around in and actually talks to me.

Yesterday was my first day of university. As an older student, I felt intimidated, out of place and nervous as hell. Waiting for class to begin, a guy politely asked if this was the right class, a girl sitting in front of me asked as well, and we chatted about what we were each studying. Later, at the bookstore, a guy asked me where the textbooks were, and since I didn't know, but needed them as well, we went to ask an employee together. Those three brief moments of connection, no matter how small and insignificant made me feel a part of something bigger. I didn't feel invisible anymore.

I understand and respect trust issues, but I hope you can see that perhaps your angry and aggressive attitude towards these men is your own issue and is maybe undeserved. For example, if I'd seen my parents murdered as a child by a man in a red sweater, I might HATE ever seeing the color on someone, but that doesn't mean that every guy who wears red is a jackass. They just don't know.

I was leaving a store today, and a guy stopped me to tell me that he liked my hair color (green). It made my shitty day a million times better.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Hope you don't mind me sharing them. *hugs*

[jamezilla1.livejournal.com]

*pats on shoulder*

[frakkin-addict.livejournal.com]

I wanted to add something to what I wrote before. You, of course, are under no obligation to like strangers chatting out of the blue, but if you'll forgive the unsolicited advice, the next time a guy says, "I like those shorts," maybe just reply, "I'm sorry, but that comment makes me uncomfortable. I bet you'd be surprised by how quickly they'd mumble out an apology and back off.

Direct, polite and straight-forward responses might help lessen the anxiety those situations pose while hopefully filling you with a sense of empowerment. (And they'd also help educate these guys that not all women feel comfortable being approached in that manner.)

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I never mind hearing thoughts from you, :). That said, there's a BIG difference between strangers speaking to me in a classroom (it's one of those "social situations" I alluded to in the post) and a random stranger in the grocery store telling me that pink's his favorite color when my shorts are pink.

As to saying, "That makes me really uncomfortable..." You don't live in my neighborhood. That kind of statement would likely escalate the situation and I've found that keeping quiet and not making eye contact is the way to extricate myself.

It's not about being a mind reader. It's about simple politeness. I don't speak to people I don't know unless there's a social obligation to get to know them, i.e., work, school, party, etc. It makes me uncomfortable because when it's a man, I know that 99.9% of the time he's hitting on me (especially the shorts guy) and it just irritates me.

Here's the thing - I've been approached at ATM's in the middle of the night, when I was walking and a car was driving - I'm just flat-out tired of it. I'm tired of men thinking that they have a "right" to talk to me when all I want to do is get done with whatever errand I'm running and go home.

Here's the thing - if I make eye contact first, it's different. Sometimes a line is boring or there's a legitimate reason to speak to someone, but when it's just a random stranger who was walking up behind me admiring my behind, it annoys me, :(.

That's the other thing, he said it from behind me, as he was walking around me, :(.

[jamezilla1.livejournal.com]

I know that I haven't been reading much in LJ-land so I haven't seen much of the conversation that's passing back and forth, but I looked at the top of the page today and this was the 1st entry. It just reminds me how sad the world is getting. I am sorry that something happened that made you unhappy with a large cross-section of society and nothing short of carrying a sign will get you the distance you seek.
I like to think that we are friends, with the modification of being HERE on LJ, we've had good conversations on here and even share some political/social viewpoints. But you and I don't know each other facially, and so sadly if we met face to face on a subway, in a store or a cafe, I can't approach you with a single sentence of greeting w/o tweaking this sense. I assure you that I don't approach people intending to get sexual action going on, but just as I can't tell which persons don't want to be approached, they cannot tell which approachers really just want to hand them some Lego toy they dropped.
It's worse than just not knowing which b/c I am very discouraged by the world. I have had a life crash and am essentially out of friends that I can sit down and talk to and who want to listen and so sometimes that ONE smirk I get from a stranger in the store is all I have for days, weeks. I really don't cling to those strangers, I say my thing in the line at the store and we go our separate ways, but it's as close as I can get to reestablishing friendships is to just be friendly while I move about the world. I have NO CLUE how to be the initiator of friendships and relationships b/c of Aspergers Syndrome. As far as I can tell the feelings you express here are actually becoming pretty widespread, and so that feels like the shitcan for any hope I have of ever becoming friends with anyone IRL ever again. So where does that leave me? (Sitting at the computer with a handful of virtual friends and one person who comes to relate with me whenever they can.) It's getting lonely and I am back to wondering why people get so pissed off when I wonder why I'm supposed to want to live on this planet.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you're having so many issues - *hugs*.

And I'm also sorry that you're right - any male who approaches me when I'm in public without a valid reason to do so makes me very uncomfortable, :(.

[sylvanwitch]

I'm not arguing with you here, nor am I suggesting that you don't have the right to feel the way that you do. But I did just want to observe that in my region of the country, strangers talking to each other in the grocery store, in line at the bank, etc., is normal, regardless of gender. I'm not saying that guys don't try to talk up attractive women; that happens, of course. I am saying that there are probably regional differences regarding behavior between strangers in public places such as the ones you've mentioned here.

When I moved to another part of the country, I was shocked at strangers' reactions to me when I attempted small talk in the line at the grocery. They acted like I was a potential serial killer. I learned, of course, that what's natural at home isn't natural in other places and changed my behavior accordingly. I'm going to assume that in your region of the world, it's not natural for strangers to chat.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I live in a large city, where the men should know better, :(.

[laplor.livejournal.com]

It's sad that the simple fact of a person being male means that they ARE intimidating to solo women.

It's sad, but it's true.

Men are (usually) larger, louder, and more powerful. There are ways they can interact with women that are not threatening, but they need to learn to pay attention to body language.

If they look at us and we look back at them, and smile and speak to them, then they may speak to us and maybe even compliment us appropriately. ("I can't help but notice your unusual hair colour. It's lovely!" Not "I like those shorts you're wearing. They're my favourite colour.")

Otherwise they should reserve comments to those required by basic politeness/safety. "Pardon me." "I'm sorry." "Your hair seems to be on fire, would you like me to call 911?"

BTW, I love the Fifth Element mood icon.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

If they look at us and we look back at them, and smile and speak to them, then they may speak to us and maybe even compliment us appropriately.

THIS.

If I initiate contact, either by making eye contact or smiling, it's different. But when someone walks up behind me and tells me that pink's his favorite color without even looking me in the eye, which means that I know he was just looking at my ass (my shorts were pink), it's a whole other uncomfortable ballgame, :(.

again may I mention

[jamezilla1.livejournal.com]

"need to learn to pay attention to body language."
It's not that I can't learn ANY body language, but when the professor in one class says 97% of human communication is non-verbal cues, and the professor in another says that particular part of my brain fires differently due to an actual condition. It's like saying I need to pay attention to the road signs in Gaelic when I learned Korean. Not that I always dislike Aspergers, but it has sure become an unfriendly town while I was trying to learn to live with it.

Re: again may I mention

[laplor.livejournal.com]

I understand that NT body language and facial expression really can be a foreign language to a person with Aspergers.

Most people I know basically memorize a few rules for common situations. If you are a man, you will be more likely to avoid freaking out women if you wait until you are introduced or until they speak to you before you give them compliments or do anything that seems like expressing affection. And memorize and be aware of signs of distress in case you goof, so that you can apologize immediately. If you speak to a woman and she sighs/turns away/glares at you. Just say, "I'm sorry if I have been rude or inappropriate." Then let it go.

It makes me sad that so many women have had horrible experiences, and it is not fair to good men that they must pay a price for the actions of others.

Sadly there still are some men who treat women, especially attractive women, like objects who exist for their amusement and enjoyment rather than as individuals who have their own experiences, histories, and wishes. It is the fault of these men that many women do not appreciate unsolicited comments and interaction.

[vikingwriter.livejournal.com]

This makes me sad also. I like chatting with people (unless I'm at work, and then it's work and so seems like too much of a chore). I never feel like I'm being picked up, but then, I probably wouldn't notice a come on if it bit me in the nose because it's been so long since that part of life has been on my radar, sad as *that* is.

But I think I've digressed? I was wondering if you shared those small moments with strangers who were women, or if that's an uncomfortable/triggering situation as well? (Just curious, and it's none of my business, but I'm asking the question anyway...)

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I have no problem speaking to women, for the most part, though occasionally I'll get trapped in a conversation I can do without. It's solely that they're male and I'm married that makes me uncomfortable.

Not that I don't have male friends, but they were introduced to me and/or I met them via work or school, which is a different kettle of fish.

I just don't like it when strange men approach me out of the blue...

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

Hey, I just wanted to say that I totally get what you are saying.

There is a huge difference between friendly chatter and someone presumptiously moving into your emotional space.

I've been in areas where total strangers are nice as can be and chat with everyone. But they don't barge into your personal space and start chatting about your clothes at odd hours of the night or at the ATM.

Plus there is the factor of body language and more women need to be attuned to that to save themselves a lot of trouble. Truly friendly people do not project these signals. Some one who is invasive and stalkerish does.

And, yes, it is entirely your right to not have to be chatted up by anyone on the streets.

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

I wanted to add that I am disturbed by the people are confusing their personal social issues with a safety issue for women. But that is one of the problems that pretty women have to deal with. You've learned it, I did at a young age, and my daughter in turn.

To hell with what anyone says: Trust your instincts.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Thanks, :).

[darth-eldritch.livejournal.com]

You're welcome :)

Another factor is that you do this all day long, or whenever you are on shift, so it might feel like you're back on the job when you feel that you being made to interact with a man. I imagine that must get really tiresome.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

That is a lot of it, sigh.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Strangers - respect personal space and distance

One advantage of living in the UK is that, well, we're quite an unfriendly people. Occasionally someone will strike up a conversation but generally if you don't know someone? They don't speak to you.


Your instincts are importanta nd it may be sad - but this is the world we live in

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

but this is the world we live in

Exactly! I don't particularly enjoy feeling this way, but I live in a big city and honestly? I just don't want to deal with the attention, :(.

[adelheide.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, men don't understand the position that women are in. Men stride around, confident in the way the world has been built for their comfort. They don't understand that women walk around constantly watching their back. And most men don't care. They see a pretty woman, they feel the need to talk to her. Because they have been provided the idea that women are there to serve them at all times. If you don't giggle and blush prettily at their attentions, you're a bitch/a dyke/on the rag.

I once had a guy approach me, at night, in my apartment parking lot. Now, I live in a very safe neighborhood. I've never felt fear. But it was dark and I was unloading groceries from my car. When I heard a voice close behind me, I turned fast, fistful of grocery bags at the ready. They guy was perfectly pleasant but startled (he was someone who worked for the complex and he wanted to tell me to drive more slowly). Dude, you don't just walk up behind a woman in a dark parking lot. I have a 12 lb frozen turkey here and I will use it. Our exchange ended pleasantly enough. He seemed like a nice person. But it's telling how baffled he was that I would be startled by his approach. I'm sure he thought, Geez, what's her deal? I just needed to tell her to slow down. It never occurred to him that women have to be aware and alert all the time, unlike men. Because I'm sure he's never been in that position.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

All of this, :(.

[laplor.livejournal.com]

"...men don't understand the position that women are in. Men stride around, confident in the way the world has been built for their comfort. They don't understand that women walk around constantly watching their back. And most men don't care. "

This is exactly it! Until this attitude that some men have is changed, it is unfortunate that kindly, open-hearted, respectful men will continue to be tarred with the same brush.

This is a women's problem that women cannot fix except through educating men.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

This is a women's problem that women cannot fix except through educating men.

Erm. It's not my job to educate men. It's their job to realize it's not 1850 anymore and the rules have changed.

[laplor.livejournal.com]

I'll own that. It is *my* job in a limited way. I could have clarified what I meant a bit better:

I have sons.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Ah, gotcha, :).

I agree with you.

[nightchild78.livejournal.com]

Few months ago, I used to walk back after work instead of bus. Once, a man began to speak to me and tried to stuck up a conversation. He wasn't threatening and perfectly polite, but he scared me because he followed me for a long time and I didn't know how to get rid of him. I didn't care that he found me attractive, I wasn't interested.

Aside it, he spoiled one of the best time of my week.

Now that I'm a mum, it really annoyed me that some people (perfect strangers of course) think that they have the right to touch or kiss my baby without my permission.

I live in a large housing estate, but it's still friendly. I like to talk to my neighbor, but what I like the most is to choose WHEN or IF I want to talk to them. I want to have the choice to talk or not to people and I want them to respect my choice.

And you're right : being a woman alone can be really frightening.

One last thing : no matter what is your job (exotic dancer,nurse, surgeon or prostitute), as every woman on Earth you deserve respect.