Words Have Meanings: First, Do No Harm

[teleen_fiction]

Inspired by more than one comment on the post that this post links to, I'm finally going to weigh in on the whole anti-PC, thought-police, this-word-has-another-meaning-and-no-one-can-own-a-word, I-don't have-to-change-simply-because-you're-offended school of thought.

I'm going to begin by saying that I'm guilty of using pretty much every word that is at issue at one point or another, some as recently as last year, so I'm not saying that I'm not in a glass house here. 

However.

For those who are against changing their language to remove certain words from their vocabularies because another person is offended by it, I ask the following question:

Who does it hurt? 

Seriously, who does it hurt to make the effort not to use words that others have found offensive?  I know that it's an effort to do so, so I guess someone could argue that it's hurting them by virtue of the fact that changing one's vocabulary and deleting certain words is hella difficult...  Well, I have to say that it's more difficult in the offline world, but online?  It's as easy as being careful of what one types.  I realize that for some, who type as quickly as they think, that could be a challenge, but seriously?  Who does it hurt?  Why is it such a big deal to just not be an asshat when someone asks you to do so?

Since I'm guilty of being that asshat, I'm going to say for me it was a combination of laziness, privilege and the fact that yeah, it's hard to change how one looks at the world.  I still find myself thinking, "GAY! or "LAME!" in response to negative things I see on TV, but I've been making a conscious effort to replace both words with "WEAK!" in my internal monologue and I catch myself before speaking them out loud because I want to have a less hurtful vocabulary.   Also, despite my knowing on an intellectual level that those words are not okay to use, they're deeply embedded in my psyche because they've been programmed in from a variety of different sources.

Some words are easier not to use than others, but again, all of them can be eliminated from online conversation with almost no effort at all.  All it takes is a willingness to actually read over one's comment and/or post before hitting the 'post' button. It's really that simple.  That, and having a mental list of words that are no longer okay to use, regardless of their original meaning.  Finding out which words aren't okay is as simple as lurking for a while in a so-called 'drama' community and listening to those who speak about it there.  

In no particular order, the words I feel that everyone should be eliminating from their vocabularies (and the reasons why, for those who have questions) are:

Pussy to refer to anything other than a cat and even then, you can find another word if you try, like 'kitty'.  It's a gendered insult.  Also, when it's used to refer to a weak-willed person with the spine of a jellyfish, it's misogynistic because it's also a term that's used to describe female genitalia and gives the impression that anything female-related is weak.

Cunt, whore, slut, and bitch are all 'gendered' insults.  Find another one that isn't used primarily against women, like 'asshat'.  And no, calling someone a 'dick' isn't the same as calling them a 'cunt' because women don't have the same privilege that men have.

Retarded or any variation thereof, i.e. 'fantard'.  It can be offensive to those who have mental disabilities.

Midget - can be offensive to little people.  I realize that it once was a medical term; that doesn't change that little people don't care for it to be used any longer.  Don't use it.

Lame - can be offensive to those with physical disabilities. 

Crazy/Insane to describe someone who may have a mental illness can be offensive to those who have mental illnesses.

Faggot - I refer you to sparkindarkness, because he says it a lot better than I ever could.

Gay as a negative descriptor, i.e., 'that's so gay'.  I realize that this word, like faggot, has also had other meanings, but the fact is that right now it's primarily used to describe homosexual men and when it is used as a negative in any way, it reinforces the idea, however subconsciously, that being gay is bad.

Racial slurs: The n-word is obvious, some others aren't.  For example, Joan Rivers recently called Michelle Obama 'Blackie O'.   "Gyp" as in 'to cheat' refers to Romani people.  The phrase 'grammar Nazi' downplays the impact of Nazis on the world.  Educate yourself on history before using certain words and phrases and if someone tells you that a phrase you thought was harmless was offensive to them, apologize for it and move on.

Right way to apologize: I'm sorry.

Wrong way to apologize: I'm sorry if you were offended, but my family's been using that for years and I've never heard of it as a negative before.

Keep in mind that no one has to accept your apology.

Also, please keep in mind that just because you know someone who is disabled, BGLTQP, a person of color, or a member of any other marginalized group or even if you yourself are a member of said group and don't find these words offensive, it still doesn't justify using them in polite company.  Just because you or your friend is fine with something doesn't mean that everyone else in the world has to be fine with it too.

To those who are saying, "Context is everything!  I've been using 'gay' to mean 'stupid' for years and I love gay people."  Sigh.  Again, I have to ask - who does it hurt for you to change your vocabulary versus those who are being hurt every day by those who refuse to change it?

Oh, I almost forgot, "Aren't there more important things in the world to worry about than whether or not I call someone a pussy?"  Definitely, but again, does it actually cause you physical harm to stop doing it?  Fighting against the -ism's of the world isn't solely about stopping women from being circumcised or BGLTQP persons from being flogged or stoned to death.  It's about changing the way that we, as a society, think about everyone who's a part of it.

Language is the primary way in which human beings express their thoughts and opinions.  If we are ever going to actually be an equal society, with every currently marginalized person treated with dignity and respect, we have to not only work on the big issues, but the small ones as well.  Changing our language is a part of changing how we think.  I know that since I first started trying to remove certain words from my lexicon, it's really forced me to examine everything I say and do with a new eye.  I've become much more aware of how our tacit approval of -ist language affects the everyday lives of marginalized people.

Note: I am not asking for a pat on the back for finally trying not to be an asshat (I'm well aware that I have not yet succeeded in this area).  I'm extremely aware of my privilege and do not presume to speak for anyone but myself, despite any evidence to the contrary you might have found within (or anywhere else online).  We all have to make the decision as human beings as to whether our approach to other people is to going to be, "First, do no harm," or "I don't care who's offended - this rape joke is funny!"

Finally, I'll say that I ascribe to the idea that absolutely everything is fair game in comedy, art and literature.  However, I also subscribe to the idea that people can call other people out for being asshats and it's up to the individual whether they wish to continue being one or not solely in the name of being anti-PC.

And because I've been educating myself a bunch lately, here are a bunch of links that all say all of this a lot better than I just did.

101 Primer

sparkindarkness' entire journal.

Read all of that and then come back to discuss, if you wish, :).

ETA: Proof that not being an asshat is an ongoing battle: Weak is ableist.  Thank you to 51stcenturyfox  for letting me know, :).

ETA 2: My comment thread on the post that started all of this is here. 

ETA 3: Drama communities are probably not the best place to start, lol, but if it were not for them I never would have found most of this stuff out, which is why I mentioned them.  The best place to start is with the 101 Primer and go from there, :).

This post has now been edited because my essential message was being lost and I was doing more harm than good by defending my position on one phrase.  Most of the comments regarding that phrase have now been screened.  I'm not a PoC, so my feelings on that phrase don't matter whatsoever and continuing to argue about it only detracts from the essential point of what I was trying to say. 

I apologize for the drama.

For the record I am US-born, white, queer though I easily pass for both female and straight, and able-bodied.  I have no personal experience with physical, racial or ethnic discrimination and I apologize for speaking for those groups as if I were personally invested in those particular slurs not being used.

The areas in which I have personal experience and/or a personal investment include: feminism/sexim, sex work, body image/food, sexual freedom, BGLTQP rights/homophobia, bullying, child abuse, the US foster care system, the US health care system, PTSD, anxiety, depression and mental health.  

Comments

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

How is it derailing to approach a discussion of word usage from a linguistic perspective? That's what words ARE. That's by its very nature the ENTIRE subject at hand.

"Banning" used as the whole "don't use these words" point of the post. Obviously there won't be any legal consequence, but that's another issue with words.

My point was that the words in question may not actually be offensive in modern usage and that we can't very well not say every single word that people ask us not to use because OF things like that. We have to use reason in deciding those things, and that's the very essence of civility--thinking before we speak. If those rational, practical thoughts result in us finding no cause to take offense to certain words, so be it. I've spoken the rationale behind why we as people shouldn't take offense to obsolete words. That's all.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

It's derailing because you're putting yourself in the position of "educating" someone after you've offended them as to why they shouldn't have been offended in the first place.

I've spoken the rationale behind why we as people shouldn't take offense to obsolete words.

Who are you to decide what someone else should be offended by? I wrote about words that I'd seen other people take offense to and the reasons why they were offended. I don't have a right to go to them and say, "Well, it's an obsolete word anyway. You shouldn't be hurt and offended because..." Not if I don't want to be an asshat, anyway.

We all have a choice during our rational discourse to decide if we're going to take the feelings of other people into consideration before we speak or type. I've found several words and phrases that I find personally offensive (slurs against, BGLTQP persons, the mentally ill, misogynistic language and words that denigrate those who are free and/or charge money for sex or sex-related services) or words and phrases that I've observed others being offended by.

Now, I have no right to speak for those others (and should not have presumed to do so in this post, come to think of it) - they are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves. Not everyone is offended by the same things, either.

However.

If I'm interacting with someone and I say or write something that they find hurtful, it's up to me to decide how I deal with it. I can either apologize and move on or I can say, "I'm sorry if you were offended, but my family's been using that for years and I've never heard of it as a negative before."

If I've hurt someone with what I've said, educating them as to why they shouldn't have been hurt in the first place only hurts them more.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

That's not derailing at all. I remained fully within the subject at hand from the getgo.

See, to me, that REMOVES hurt. To hear the WHY behind statements works towards improvement. Like to hear that the old chestnut about "rule of thumb" has absolutely nothing to do with wifebeating. There's never been any record of any such law, yet people continue to be offended by it because they only know the false definition. To hear the truth, to hear practical usages and histories of things can only clarify them.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

That's not derailing at all. I remained fully within the subject at hand from the getgo.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. (http://www.derailingfordummies.com/)

All I can say at this point is that it's very easy for you to say that it removes hurt to be educated on the history. The last thing that someone who's been offended by something someone else said or did wants to hear is that the only reason that they're offended is because they're ignorant as well as oversensitive.

And as far as the "rule of thumb" goes... *headdesk*. No, there's never been a law to that effect. HOWEVER, it's certainly become part of our culture to THINK that there was, hasn't there? And because of that misconception, every time someone uses that phrase it can subtly reinforce misogyny.

This isn't only about historical accuracy, I'm sorry to say. Believe me, as a fellow student of history, I wish that education was the answer to these issues, but it isn't. This is about how words and phrases are perceived within our culture and how they can shape our thinking towards homophobia, sexism and racism, whether we intend for them to do so or not.

I like to believe that most people aren't intending to be racist, homophobic and/or misogynistic when they use these expressions, but their lack of intent isn't a 'get out of hurt/offense free card'. People are responsible for what they say and do that hurts other people, however intentionally or unintentionally they do so.

If I say something hurtful or offensive without realizing that it, I still owe the person who was hurt by it an apology. The best analogy I've yet heard is stepping on someone's foot. Very few people go out of their way to step on someone else's foot, but they are still expected to apologize for the hurt even though they didn't mean to do it. The person who was stepped on isn't expected to say, "Oh, I'm sorry that my foot was in your way."

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Oh geez that site. No, posting something entirely on-topic is not derailing.

There's got to be a dividing line is what I'm saying. There's practical usage to be considered, and I don't think we should bend over backwards for everyone who's offended by outdated meanings. There's plenty of words in current usage to be rightly offended by. Why should we dredge up ancient linguistics that no one in everyday life would associate with offense?

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

The topic was not harming others with language and being courteous enough to change one's speech if someone is hurt and/or offended by it. To me, it's derailing to try and explain why they shouldn't be hurt or offended in the first place.

There's practical usage to be considered, and I don't think we should bend over backwards for everyone who's offended by outdated meanings.

And there we've come to the crux of our disagreement. I don't see it as 'bending over backwards'. I see it as showing human decency when someone says, "Hey, that phrase hurts my feelings."

There's plenty of words in current usage to be rightly offended by.

It's the words in current usage that I was talking about in my post. Every single word or phrase currently listed in the post are ones that I've seen someone else take offense to within the last ten months for the reasons that I listed with each of them.

Why should we dredge up ancient linguistics that no one in everyday life would associate with offense?

No one is 'dredging up' anything and I really have to take exception to your use of the word 'ancient'. Every one of these words has been used in it's "ancient" meaning within the last 100 years and to me, that's not ancient history.

And who is this no one in everyday life of whom you are speaking? The reason that I brought these words up is that there are people in everyday life who ARE offended by them.

I just realized that I never addressed your point about the privileged majority several comments back. I am in that majority. I'm US-born, Christian Protestant-raised (though I'm atheist, I can still pass for Christian), white, able-bodied, and though I'm queer I can easily pass for both straight and cis-gendered. I have pretty much every form of privilege it's possible to have except that of being male.

I'm the person that can dismiss someone who tells me that 'pussy' is misogynistic because even though I'm a woman, I'm not affected on an obvious level every day by sexism because I also happen to be beautiful (not vanity - I make my living off my looks and looks are fleeting). I don't have to worry about wheelchair ramps and disabled access. I don't have to worry about 'gay' used as a slur because I can walk down the street holding hands with the person I'm currently in a relationship with.

I don't have to care. I can dismiss every person who tells me that something I've said or done is hurtful because I 'know the history' or 'no one uses that word anymore'.

And again I come back to no one in everyday life. No, it's the MAJORITY of those in everyday life, but it's not the majority who are being hurt here, it's those on the fringes and they're the ones I was speaking on behalf of.

Again, it wasn't my place to do so. I shouldn't have presumed to speak for groups of which I'm not a part.

However.

I'm a woman. I'm bisexual. I have gender identity questions. I'm a sex worker.

As a member of those groups, I'm personally invested when I encourage people to stop using 'gay' to mean anything negative. I have a right to be enraged when I see sex workers being treated as expendable people by society and the media. And I have a vested interest in doing my best to try and fight the rape culture and the sexism that's still inherent in our society.

Everyone has issues about which they are passionate and again, it's impossible to please everyone. I'm not trying to please everyone - if I tried that, I would fail. I'm only trying to be as open-minded and sensitive to the feelings of others as it's possible for me to be. I'm not sure where that line is and I know that no matter how hard I try, I will offend someone through careless words or deeds at some point in the future.

But I'd like to be able to say that I cared enough to try.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

...And now you're trotting out the laundry list of what qualifies you to say what?

My point is that the words I listed have current meanings entirely removed from the meanings they used to have, and no matter how long ago or how recently, they no longer have those meanings. Ergo, to use them in those contexts would be seen as quaintly old. We don't keep rehashing every single meaning of every single word. Why do we do so for certain words we find offensive in their old meanings?

It's also human decency to let things take their course. And linguistic course is something that's run for a lot of words. If we wanted to, we could probably find offense in half the current English language. But to strike those from our lexicon simply because of what people in the past used them as, to disregard current definitions, is to show only stubbornness.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

My "laundry list" only explains why I might be offended by 'x'. Naturally, you can disregard it at will.

But to strike those from our lexicon simply because of what people in the past used them as, to disregard current definitions, is to show only stubbornness.

At this point, I think we've come to the end of meaningful discussion. You believe that 'gay' can sometimes mean 'awesome' and so you feel that it's fine for you and your friends to use it. I'm not going to change your mind and in truth, without knowing every fact I can't even say that you're necessarily wrong. All I can say is that if it's truly the case that you and your friends are using 'gay' in that fashion, I hope that it catches on and that it will help BGLTQP persons to gain acceptance.

My final thought on this is that people don't get hurt and offended over language because it's fun for them or because they're being stubborn about seeing the language evolve. They get hurt because they've been hurt by that word in the past. Period.

No one likes being offended. It's exhausting to have to argue about why something that one person feels is innocent just isn't to another. Neither party is necessarily in the wrong, but again, if I step on your foot, I'm not going to blame you for having it there - I'm going to apologize for stepping on you. Oh, and just in case your brain goes to the place that mine just went - I'm assuming that you didn't put your foot out to trip me because again, there are very, VERY few people in this world who truly enjoy being stepped on.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Again, you're focusing on a single word while I offered a variety of them. I tend not to want to discuss things with people who have such a narrow scope that they call "derailing" on things that are entirely within the parameters defined by the original discussion simply because they wander away from a single point.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I'm focusing on the word that I feel has the most potential to cause harm. And no one ever said that you had to discuss anything with me if you don't like the way I discuss things. You came here of your own accord. I won't say that I didn't invite you because that's disingenuous as this is a public post. However, in a literal sense, you were not specifically invited to come here and start a discussion. I didn't come to your journal and say, "Hey, come over here and give me your thoughts on this topic!"

You chose to follow a link here and engage with me. I'm choosing to disagree with you and continue to disagree with you no matter how you phrase your argument. Again, I feel we have reached an impasse where this subject is concerned.

I have to be honest - you saying, "I tend not to want to discuss things with people who" when you're in my journal... Why should I care what you want? You're a guest here. If you don't like the way that I choose to engage with you, feel free to stop.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Because you were establishing your rules, which also came at the end of a discussion. Ergo, I felt cause to do likewise.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

...

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

That whole "it's exhausting" thing and talking about stepping on people's feet.

Also I feel the need to point this out:
My final thought on this is that people don't get hurt and offended over language because it's fun for them or because they're being stubborn about seeing the language evolve. They get hurt because they've been hurt by that word in the past. Period.

...which doesn't happen with outdated definitions. Unless you're dealing with REALLY OLD people, or the word changed definition superquick (my previous example of "text", while valid, is, admittedly, unusual in its speed).

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I'll admit it. I'm utterly lost right now. Despite that, I'm going to stand by my assertion that you've been derailing this entire time because the post isn't about "old" words and definitions. It's about words and how they are defined RIGHT NOW. It's about slang that people find offensive because of how the language has evolved.

Take 'pussy' for example. Pussy used to mean 'cat'. Then it meant 'human female genitalia', then it meant 'weak-willed individual with the spine of a jellyfish'. The third meaning came directly from the second. It is usually applied to men to imply that they are feminine and that feminine is synonymous with weak.

No one gives a crap about the feline definition anymore, but by your logic it's the definition that we should really be thinking of when we use the word and not the fact that it came to be misogynistic because of its association with female genitalia.

Someone offended by pussy isn't offended because it pains them to be compared to a cat. It's offensive to men because it implies that they are feminine and it's offensive to women because it implies that being feminine is weak.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

But how words are defined right now is my point. You cite words such as "idiot" that haven't been used as medical terms in decades. It's come to mean someone who's WILLFULLY ignorant, someone who WON'T learn, not someone who CAN'T learn. There's a huge difference, and the meaning of someone who's mentally disabled is behind us. Ergo, how words are defined right now rules that out as offensive.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I never cited idiot. You did. Seriously. And I agreed with you when you cited it. The only word related to mental disabilities I cited in the OP was 'retarded'.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Oh my apologies. I think my assumption came from the "any variation" part (and the fact that I got flamed on a mailing list for pointing that out. People started linking me to eugenics websites. WTF.)

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Also, I feel I should add that you come across like you believe I'm heterosexual despite no evidence to support that. I'm not.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I apologize for coming across that way. However, not being heterosexual doesn't give you an automatic free pass to use homophobic slurs.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Yet I wasn't. I never said I did.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

You spoke of using 'faggotry' and 'gay'. FYI: those are homophobic slurs in many circles, whether you mean them that way or not.

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Notice that I never said that I said them. I said the people in that chat use them as positives. That by no means refers to 100% of people in the chat.

However, I stand by my point that such words can be reclaimed by using them as positives and thus I support their words.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

My apologies. It appears I misunderstood you from the beginning. When you spoke of seeing them used in chat, I assumed that you were a part of the conversations and/or using them yourself as positives. However, since you weren't, how can you know that the intent behind their use was positive?

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Because it's used when eager or excited for something, or happy about things. Like "Oh, this log (a RP scene) is so gay, I love it" or "such wonderful faggotry~♥". There's more than enough context clues. Did you follow the links I PMed to you?

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

See, those context clues don't seem all that positive to me. They seem sarcastic.

And I found this thread (http://community.livejournal.com/sbg_logs/180862.html?thread=7163774#t7163774) where again, the use of 'gaaaay' doesn't seem all that positive to me.