FYI: I Lack Empathy
Nov. 9th, 2010 05:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teleen_fictionWhen I first began to suspect I had HFA, I contacted a high school acquaintance (now facebook friend) who actually studies brains and asked him about it. His first response (in part)?
You strike me as a very empathetic person. Your Facebook posts show that you have a keen sense of how others feel. (For example, think of how you feel about all this recent bullying news!). You probably don't have to "figure out" or "calculate" how others feel... you just empathize automatically. You also seem to be a person willing to try new things and can be social when you choose to be. If you were "autistic enough" to have anything to worry about, you would probably have been diagnosed by now. ASD folks tend to be noticeably weird. But then, there are also perfectly normal people who are weird. :)
I wrote back with my (very long list of) suspicions as to why I was feeling that way and he was very supportive and felt that since I was so high-functioning, I should only mess with a good thing if it was making me unhappy. I felt fairly comforted by it, especially by his impression of me as having empathy for others, but recent events have forced me to realize that he was wrong.
I have empathy for certain people and situations. If we agree (or mostly agree), I have empathy for you. However, if you disagree with me, a lot of the times I am actually completely unable to see your POV. At all.
A rather extreme example is the Tea Party - I HONESTLY can't understand how people (like my mother) can be confronted with fact after fact after fact that these people are bigoted MORONS who would like it if everything went back to how it was in the 1950's. I also can't understand how anyone who doesn't make more than $250,000 a year could EVER vote Republican with their record.
It goes beyond the normal, "Why the heck are people so dumb?" and crosses over into, "Are these people even the same species as me?"
I have no empathy for those who voted for Bush. I have no empathy for those who think that Obama should have magically fixed everything in two years that the Republicans had eight years to break. I realize that some people who are reading this right now might be Republicans or Creationists or believe in something else that I can't understand and I'm realizing that it's not good of me to not be able to empathize with them.
I should be able to see past our differences and still respect people as people even if they believe completely different things that I do. Hell, I know a guy at work whose wife is the exact opposite of him on the political spectrum and yet they're HAPPILY married and have had children together.
I couldn't do it and it goes beyond, "Oh, I just don't get it," I mean that I PHYSICALLY couldn't do it. Because I'd constantly be trying to change his mind. I'd constantly be trying to get him to see what I saw, that my opinion is the better one.
I know that this is a terrible way to be, I really do. But it's the way I am.
It goes beyond stubborn. If I believe something, I believe it and no amount of shouting at me will get me to change my mind.
However.
I've been known to change my mind. That's the other thing that's weird about me. If you give me a lot of reasoned, well-thought-out reasons as to why my position is that of a stupid asshat, I'll probably listen, but only if you approach me from the side, rather than head-on.
If you shout at me (literally or figuratively), I'll shut down and refuse to listen. If you swear at me, I'll shut down and refuse to listen. If you're angry at me and make it clear that you feel that I'm made of fail in ANY way that I perceive as hostile, I'll shut down and refuse to listen.
That's not to say that I won't ever listen, because I will, but I've learned that fighting with me, putting me on the defensive (something that's REALLY easy to do, whether you mean to or not), will turn me into a cornered mama bear protecting her cubs, regardless of what I'm protecting.
Reason #56473878397589348938 why I can't go to drama communities. If I feel as though I'm being attacked, even if the attack is perfectly justified on the part of the person attacking, I'll lash out and/or shut down and completely disengage from the situation. Usually, I do the latter because I don't like to fight, but once in a while...
The reason that I'm putting this out there publicly is that there was an incident not terribly long ago where I said something that was made of fail and someone on my friends' list called me on it. They were justifiably upset, but I didn't care for the way they expressed that upset and I defriended them. We've since made up via PM and everything's cool, but I really felt like I needed to let you all know:
1) You don't owe me respect if you feel that I've been disrespectful and attacked you or what you hold dear. However, if you call me out publicly, which I see as shaming me and trying to get others to agree with you and point and laugh at my fail (even if it's DEFINITELY not meant that way), I'll probably defriend you over it, especially after I've made several posts where I feel that I've outlined what is and is not acceptable behavior here.
2) I realize that people may not read every word I write, but if I like you and respect you, I (try to) read every word you write, so it's difficult for me to empathize when someone hasn't read something (like this) that's expressing my exact feelings on a subject.
3) If you've missed a place where I've mentioned, 'x', I may jump to the erroneous conclusion that it means that you don't think we're really friends, and respond accordingly.
4) I lack empathy. Unless you tell me specifically, I'm going to find it very difficult to understand how you actually feel on a subject, especially your feelings toward me. I find it hard to understand when someone blows up at me that they don't think that I'm made of fail as a person, only that a particular opinion I have is made of fail.
5) If I offend you or do something that hurts you in this journal, please PM me and tell me how and why. Again, you don't owe me this if I've royally fucked up, but with the way my head is, if you choose to disregard this request, I'll probably feel as though you don't want to be friends anymore. Now, if I'm in another forum and fail, feel free to comment there. If I'm saying it anywhere but here, I'll abide by the rules of internet convention as a whole and accept being called out publicly. However, this is my safe space. This is where I get to dictate what is said and how it's said. The only exception is comments relating to my stories, as because I've posted them on public forums, I adhere to 'public forum' rules and accept when someone tells me something I don't like.
6) I may not seem like it, but I truly am an exceptionally private person in certain respects. The way I was raised, on both sides, you put up a good front publicly and if someone messes up, you address it privately unless the situation is severe. That's why I send PM's to author's who have warnings that are made of fail instead of commenting - I'm showing them the courtesy that I'd like to have in return. It's also why I tend not to comment unless I'm saying something nice. Unless an author really messes up, I don't like to ever say anything negative. Hell, I feel bad pointing out typos unless I know the author's okay with it.
7) You may be reading this and thinking, 'Well, if she's aware of how she is, why can't she just change it? Why does she expect us to accommodate her?' I don't, exactly, if we're merely online acquaintances. If we're just acquaintances, I actually feel as though I'm handing you a weapon and telling you exactly how to go about hurting me if I ever really piss you off. If we're friends, though, I have an expectation that you'll take into account that I'm a little odd and respect it even if you don't understand it. And you also need to understand that while I might change my mind when given reasoned, well-thought-out reasons to do so, my underlying IDENTITY is going to stay the same.
I'm stubborn. I'm defensive. Unless it's phrased very gently, I tend to see criticism (even constructive criticism) as an attack and when I feel attacked, it's not pretty, :(. Actually, even when you're nice about it, I'll probably defend why I did something a certain way, even if no explanation is actually required.
Something else - someone reading this might see it as running myself down or justifying bad behavior. It's both and neither. I can be aware of the behavior without being able to change it. The instinct to defend myself is hardwired fight-or-flight and yeah, a good therapist might be able to help me work on that, but given my other issues, I think that even a great therapist would have trouble.
Finally, about my not being diagnosed until now - when I was a kid, both of my parents were extremely fucked up and I looked normal by comparison. Also, I was fascinated by people and human expression. I used to practice expressions in the mirror and study how 'normal' people behaved in movies. It wasn't something I did consciously, but I learned how to 'act' normal. I still have weird idiosyncrasies, but (and I really hate to say this because I know how bad it is to say), I think a lot of my oddness was forgiven because I was very pretty as a kid and as an adult, I've been able to get rid of a lot of my face-to-face interaction issues thanks to my job.
My job gave me a thousand lessons in human interaction, with a clear system of punishment and reward when I got them right or wrong. I learned that behaving one way would make me money, whereas behaving another will leave me broke. Thus, my people skills have improved exponentially over the years because I've essentially taken lessons in normal human interaction.
I still don't really understand it, though. I have no idea what someone's thinking or feeling most of the time unless they specifically tell me. Hell, even at work I often will get a dance from someone whom I thought wasn't interested or will have someone who seems interested to me turn me down. And I realize that human beings don't always behave in predictable patterns, but it still throws me for a loop when they act in a way that I've been led to believe is unacceptable or when they don't follow the pattern that many previous to them have laid out (in my head).
There are no rules to human interaction, but I really wish there were some, :(. I also wish that there were a way to predict how people would react in a given situation, but I know it's a forlorn hope.
In summary, I'm stubborn, set in my ways and will defend my position to the death if you come at me in a way that makes me feel as though it's necessary, even if you honestly aren't attacking me, only my position.
However, if you give me a thoughtful, reasoned, CALM explanation of why and how the Earth goes around the Sun, I'll listen. It might take me a while to reset that part of my brain to accept it, but I will listen.
Finally, if for whatever reason you feel that what I've said is so made of fail that you can't be respectful, please send me a PM and vent there, because if you do it publicly, it won't end well.
Thanks for your time and attention.
You strike me as a very empathetic person. Your Facebook posts show that you have a keen sense of how others feel. (For example, think of how you feel about all this recent bullying news!). You probably don't have to "figure out" or "calculate" how others feel... you just empathize automatically. You also seem to be a person willing to try new things and can be social when you choose to be. If you were "autistic enough" to have anything to worry about, you would probably have been diagnosed by now. ASD folks tend to be noticeably weird. But then, there are also perfectly normal people who are weird. :)
I wrote back with my (very long list of) suspicions as to why I was feeling that way and he was very supportive and felt that since I was so high-functioning, I should only mess with a good thing if it was making me unhappy. I felt fairly comforted by it, especially by his impression of me as having empathy for others, but recent events have forced me to realize that he was wrong.
I have empathy for certain people and situations. If we agree (or mostly agree), I have empathy for you. However, if you disagree with me, a lot of the times I am actually completely unable to see your POV. At all.
A rather extreme example is the Tea Party - I HONESTLY can't understand how people (like my mother) can be confronted with fact after fact after fact that these people are bigoted MORONS who would like it if everything went back to how it was in the 1950's. I also can't understand how anyone who doesn't make more than $250,000 a year could EVER vote Republican with their record.
It goes beyond the normal, "Why the heck are people so dumb?" and crosses over into, "Are these people even the same species as me?"
I have no empathy for those who voted for Bush. I have no empathy for those who think that Obama should have magically fixed everything in two years that the Republicans had eight years to break. I realize that some people who are reading this right now might be Republicans or Creationists or believe in something else that I can't understand and I'm realizing that it's not good of me to not be able to empathize with them.
I should be able to see past our differences and still respect people as people even if they believe completely different things that I do. Hell, I know a guy at work whose wife is the exact opposite of him on the political spectrum and yet they're HAPPILY married and have had children together.
I couldn't do it and it goes beyond, "Oh, I just don't get it," I mean that I PHYSICALLY couldn't do it. Because I'd constantly be trying to change his mind. I'd constantly be trying to get him to see what I saw, that my opinion is the better one.
I know that this is a terrible way to be, I really do. But it's the way I am.
It goes beyond stubborn. If I believe something, I believe it and no amount of shouting at me will get me to change my mind.
However.
I've been known to change my mind. That's the other thing that's weird about me. If you give me a lot of reasoned, well-thought-out reasons as to why my position is that of a stupid asshat, I'll probably listen, but only if you approach me from the side, rather than head-on.
If you shout at me (literally or figuratively), I'll shut down and refuse to listen. If you swear at me, I'll shut down and refuse to listen. If you're angry at me and make it clear that you feel that I'm made of fail in ANY way that I perceive as hostile, I'll shut down and refuse to listen.
That's not to say that I won't ever listen, because I will, but I've learned that fighting with me, putting me on the defensive (something that's REALLY easy to do, whether you mean to or not), will turn me into a cornered mama bear protecting her cubs, regardless of what I'm protecting.
Reason #56473878397589348938 why I can't go to drama communities. If I feel as though I'm being attacked, even if the attack is perfectly justified on the part of the person attacking, I'll lash out and/or shut down and completely disengage from the situation. Usually, I do the latter because I don't like to fight, but once in a while...
The reason that I'm putting this out there publicly is that there was an incident not terribly long ago where I said something that was made of fail and someone on my friends' list called me on it. They were justifiably upset, but I didn't care for the way they expressed that upset and I defriended them. We've since made up via PM and everything's cool, but I really felt like I needed to let you all know:
1) You don't owe me respect if you feel that I've been disrespectful and attacked you or what you hold dear. However, if you call me out publicly, which I see as shaming me and trying to get others to agree with you and point and laugh at my fail (even if it's DEFINITELY not meant that way), I'll probably defriend you over it, especially after I've made several posts where I feel that I've outlined what is and is not acceptable behavior here.
2) I realize that people may not read every word I write, but if I like you and respect you, I (try to) read every word you write, so it's difficult for me to empathize when someone hasn't read something (like this) that's expressing my exact feelings on a subject.
3) If you've missed a place where I've mentioned, 'x', I may jump to the erroneous conclusion that it means that you don't think we're really friends, and respond accordingly.
4) I lack empathy. Unless you tell me specifically, I'm going to find it very difficult to understand how you actually feel on a subject, especially your feelings toward me. I find it hard to understand when someone blows up at me that they don't think that I'm made of fail as a person, only that a particular opinion I have is made of fail.
5) If I offend you or do something that hurts you in this journal, please PM me and tell me how and why. Again, you don't owe me this if I've royally fucked up, but with the way my head is, if you choose to disregard this request, I'll probably feel as though you don't want to be friends anymore. Now, if I'm in another forum and fail, feel free to comment there. If I'm saying it anywhere but here, I'll abide by the rules of internet convention as a whole and accept being called out publicly. However, this is my safe space. This is where I get to dictate what is said and how it's said. The only exception is comments relating to my stories, as because I've posted them on public forums, I adhere to 'public forum' rules and accept when someone tells me something I don't like.
6) I may not seem like it, but I truly am an exceptionally private person in certain respects. The way I was raised, on both sides, you put up a good front publicly and if someone messes up, you address it privately unless the situation is severe. That's why I send PM's to author's who have warnings that are made of fail instead of commenting - I'm showing them the courtesy that I'd like to have in return. It's also why I tend not to comment unless I'm saying something nice. Unless an author really messes up, I don't like to ever say anything negative. Hell, I feel bad pointing out typos unless I know the author's okay with it.
7) You may be reading this and thinking, 'Well, if she's aware of how she is, why can't she just change it? Why does she expect us to accommodate her?' I don't, exactly, if we're merely online acquaintances. If we're just acquaintances, I actually feel as though I'm handing you a weapon and telling you exactly how to go about hurting me if I ever really piss you off. If we're friends, though, I have an expectation that you'll take into account that I'm a little odd and respect it even if you don't understand it. And you also need to understand that while I might change my mind when given reasoned, well-thought-out reasons to do so, my underlying IDENTITY is going to stay the same.
I'm stubborn. I'm defensive. Unless it's phrased very gently, I tend to see criticism (even constructive criticism) as an attack and when I feel attacked, it's not pretty, :(. Actually, even when you're nice about it, I'll probably defend why I did something a certain way, even if no explanation is actually required.
Something else - someone reading this might see it as running myself down or justifying bad behavior. It's both and neither. I can be aware of the behavior without being able to change it. The instinct to defend myself is hardwired fight-or-flight and yeah, a good therapist might be able to help me work on that, but given my other issues, I think that even a great therapist would have trouble.
Finally, about my not being diagnosed until now - when I was a kid, both of my parents were extremely fucked up and I looked normal by comparison. Also, I was fascinated by people and human expression. I used to practice expressions in the mirror and study how 'normal' people behaved in movies. It wasn't something I did consciously, but I learned how to 'act' normal. I still have weird idiosyncrasies, but (and I really hate to say this because I know how bad it is to say), I think a lot of my oddness was forgiven because I was very pretty as a kid and as an adult, I've been able to get rid of a lot of my face-to-face interaction issues thanks to my job.
My job gave me a thousand lessons in human interaction, with a clear system of punishment and reward when I got them right or wrong. I learned that behaving one way would make me money, whereas behaving another will leave me broke. Thus, my people skills have improved exponentially over the years because I've essentially taken lessons in normal human interaction.
I still don't really understand it, though. I have no idea what someone's thinking or feeling most of the time unless they specifically tell me. Hell, even at work I often will get a dance from someone whom I thought wasn't interested or will have someone who seems interested to me turn me down. And I realize that human beings don't always behave in predictable patterns, but it still throws me for a loop when they act in a way that I've been led to believe is unacceptable or when they don't follow the pattern that many previous to them have laid out (in my head).
There are no rules to human interaction, but I really wish there were some, :(. I also wish that there were a way to predict how people would react in a given situation, but I know it's a forlorn hope.
In summary, I'm stubborn, set in my ways and will defend my position to the death if you come at me in a way that makes me feel as though it's necessary, even if you honestly aren't attacking me, only my position.
However, if you give me a thoughtful, reasoned, CALM explanation of why and how the Earth goes around the Sun, I'll listen. It might take me a while to reset that part of my brain to accept it, but I will listen.
Finally, if for whatever reason you feel that what I've said is so made of fail that you can't be respectful, please send me a PM and vent there, because if you do it publicly, it won't end well.
Thanks for your time and attention.
