teleen_fiction | Am I Third Gendered? (Reply)

As I alluded to in my previous post, lately I've been coming to suspect that on top of every other odd thing I have going on with me, I might also be third-gendered. Not transgendered, as I have no desire whatsoever to be male except from a curiosity stanpoint, but more that I don't fit into a classically female role and never have.

Growing up, I enjoyed playing with toy guns as much as I liked playing with Barbies. I've always thought of myself as a 'tomboy' and when someone called me 'girly' the other day at lunch, I about fell out of my chair. I had my nails done, but even so - girly is not an adjective that I generally ascribe to myself in day-to-day life.

I'm all about comfort. When I left the house today, I wore jeans, a long-sleeved flannel shirt, sneakers and no makeup. My hair was brushed, but the front was pulled back with a clip because that's the way I find it easiest to keep out of my eyes.

If I'd gone to work, I would have applied makeup with the same clinical precision as a warrior applying warpaint (I've been know to refer to it as such in the past). I only wear thongs at work (irl it's 'granny panties' because they're the most comfortable), only wear bras when they are required for the shirt I'm wearing and generally don't behave in a fashion that's very feminine.

I get pedicures because I enjoy them and because I feel that taking care of one's feet is important as a dancer. I get my nails done because I like how they look and because again, with where I work it's an important detail. I basically only wear makeup at work or on very special occasions.

I like wearing dresses and looking nice, but I never wear anything unless it's comfortable, or in the case of dress shoes, at least bearable. I've never gone tanning (and never will) because it's bad for you, despite the pressure I've always had at work to do so. Heck, I won't even spray-tan because the chances are good that I'd be allergic to the chemicals and I happen to like my natural pale skin color.

Still, I'm not sure if I would qualify as third-gendered so much as supremely laid back about myself and my appearance. I can look beautifully feminine - I clean up very well - but overall it just isn't a priority of mine. I could never be mistaken for male, though. I have an hourglass figure and 36-C breasts that are obvious in all but the loosest of shirts. Also, right now I have hair down to my waist, though even when it was very short, my features were undeniably feminine. I have long hair because I love how it feels (my scalp is a serious erogenous zone and I LOVE having people rub it or play with my hair), but I very rarely actually do anything to it other than washing and brushing. A can of hairspray will last me years. I bought hot rollers because I sometimes like my hair curly and I've only used them maybe a half-dozen times in two years.

I'm still a tomboy. Heck, if it weren't for the fact that I have major dry skin and allergy problems, I probably would have been very happy in the military. I often say that I have the soul of Rambo, but the body of the Princess and the Pea. I love action and spy movies and TV, as well as so-called 'Men's Adventure' books. I don't particularly like the outdoors, but that's more because of physical reactions than mental ones. I actually love nature, but nature doesn't love me.

So why am I even thinking that I could third-gendered in the first place? I first heard of the concept in a fanfic several years ago and since then it's been at the edges of my consciousness. It seems to be a sort of euphemism for homosexual among certain Native American cultures (ETA: I do not mean to in any way presume to know anything about Native American culture and apologize for my glaring error in understanding here.) and a lot of what I've read about it seems to convey the idea that it's more of a male-oriented orientation (ETA: again - lack of understanding on my part and I'll do more research before making any other comments on this topic). Please don't misunderstand me when I say that, as I know at least one person on my friends' list has female sexual organs but identifies as third gendered. I do, however, think that in today's world it's a bit more difficult for a female to figure it out because there are a lot of things that a woman can do, i.e., dressing like a man, that don't garner much notice today because female fashion has changed quite a bit in the last 50 years or so.

On the one hand, I'm not particularly feminine a lot of the time and have little patience for the trappings associated with being a 'girly-girl' in today's society. But on the other, are my feelings truly third-gendered or are they simply a rejection of gender-normative stereotypes? They might sound like the same thing, but the difference, to me, is fairly great.

I'm female. I'm a bisexual female, but I am female. I enjoy my gender a great deal and as much as I've enjoyed penetrating females with either a strap-on, my hand or my tongue, I have no desire to change my genitals whatsoever, as I also greatly enjoy being penetrated by males. An aside to my sexual identity - I enjoy being penetrated by males, but with females, I'm always the top, as I find being penetrated with a strap-on supremely uncomfortable and absolutely cannot tolerate anyone's hands anywhere near my groin.

From a physical attraction standpoint, I'm attracted to (and have had sex with) pretty much every body type in males and females. For me, it's not about what a person looks like so much as how they make me feel as a person. I often say at work, when a stupid customer is asking how I can bear to dance for a 'fat old man', "A guy can be an underwear model, open his mouth and turn into the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A guy can be the Hunchback of Notre Dame, open his mouth and turn into an underwear model." Another aside - I've been working out my feelings on certain female characters across fandom lines and just (in this actual moment while typing) figured out that the reason I don't like certain female characters has nothing to do with how they look. Rather, I thought that I might not like them because I didn't find them attractive, but I just realized that in all but a couple of cases, I don't find them attractive because of how they act. It's rather a relief, because I was feeling kind of bad about not liking certain women who didn't fit the classic stereotypes of beauty and it's nice to know that I just don't like them because they're they have unlikeable personalities (to me).

Back on topic, I have some characteristics that some might consider male (liking action movies, collecting knives, and shooting guns for pleasure), but to me they are only considered to be that way because society has programmed it into us, not because they're inherently male. A woman isn't born wanting to clean house anymore than a man is born wanting to fix cars. Society programs us to say that women do one and men do the other.

I'm reluctant to say that I must be third-gendered because I enjoy math and science, like to wear comfortable clothing, hate to wear makeup, had fun playing war games with the boys when I was a kid, and love movies (and some books) with lots of gratuitous violence. However, it's also possible that I'm completely misunderstanding the concept of being third-gendered, something that must be considered. I do hope that this post is not seen as in any way offensive to those who already know that they identify in this way, as my intent is only to try and work out what this means to me (and only me) as a person. However, if I do cause offense, please let me know as I'm known to be clueless about such things and would appreciate knowing where I've gone wrong.

I'm open to the idea that it may mean nothing or that my non-gender-normative behavior doesn't have to have a deeper meaning. Not everything has to have a label in order to be valid. Still, the more I've read about a third-gendered identity, the more I identify with it.

More and more, I've been embracing the word "queer" to identify myself, though as I mentioned in a comment to a post a couple of months back (and in a post about my identity I made around the same time), a part of me feels very odd using the word, as for a very long time I've had a cis-hetero mindset, despite being bisexual. Queer has been used a slur for a very long time and while I'm all for reclaiming, it feels odd for me to use it to describe myself, no matter how much I feel it fits. In that same comment, I mentioned that I didn't feel that I was 'allowed' to use the word and while my feelings have mellowed somewhat, I still almost feel as though 'someone in authority' is going to come along and tell me that "queer" isn't a word used to describe the likes of me and that it's wrong for me to try and claim it.

I thought about screening comments to protect privacy, but I feel that there is a good opportunity for discussion in this post and want to provide a forum to allow that. If you have something to say to me that you would prefer not be seen by others, please just PM me. Given the subject matter (and though I hate to do so, since no one who regularly comments on my journal is an asshat) I'm also going to issue a preemptive warning that all discussion must remain respectful or I won't hesitate to either screen comments that I feel are inappropriate (or leave a comment screened if you aren't on my friend's list). That said, please feel free to comment even if you don't agree with me or think I'm completely full of shit, as so long as you're cool about it, I really want to hear every perspective on this subject. I'm still figuring this out and could use all the help I can get.

One final thing - please don't delete any comments you make to this post. If you later decide that you don't want what you say here to be seen, just ask and I'll screen them, but I'd really like any and all thoughts to remain at least for me to see. Also, I get e-mail notifications, so once a comment is made it's mine forever anyway, :).