Words Have Meanings: First, Do No Harm

[teleen_fiction]

Inspired by more than one comment on the post that this post links to, I'm finally going to weigh in on the whole anti-PC, thought-police, this-word-has-another-meaning-and-no-one-can-own-a-word, I-don't have-to-change-simply-because-you're-offended school of thought.

I'm going to begin by saying that I'm guilty of using pretty much every word that is at issue at one point or another, some as recently as last year, so I'm not saying that I'm not in a glass house here. 

However.

For those who are against changing their language to remove certain words from their vocabularies because another person is offended by it, I ask the following question:

Who does it hurt? 

Seriously, who does it hurt to make the effort not to use words that others have found offensive?  I know that it's an effort to do so, so I guess someone could argue that it's hurting them by virtue of the fact that changing one's vocabulary and deleting certain words is hella difficult...  Well, I have to say that it's more difficult in the offline world, but online?  It's as easy as being careful of what one types.  I realize that for some, who type as quickly as they think, that could be a challenge, but seriously?  Who does it hurt?  Why is it such a big deal to just not be an asshat when someone asks you to do so?

Since I'm guilty of being that asshat, I'm going to say for me it was a combination of laziness, privilege and the fact that yeah, it's hard to change how one looks at the world.  I still find myself thinking, "GAY! or "LAME!" in response to negative things I see on TV, but I've been making a conscious effort to replace both words with "WEAK!" in my internal monologue and I catch myself before speaking them out loud because I want to have a less hurtful vocabulary.   Also, despite my knowing on an intellectual level that those words are not okay to use, they're deeply embedded in my psyche because they've been programmed in from a variety of different sources.

Some words are easier not to use than others, but again, all of them can be eliminated from online conversation with almost no effort at all.  All it takes is a willingness to actually read over one's comment and/or post before hitting the 'post' button. It's really that simple.  That, and having a mental list of words that are no longer okay to use, regardless of their original meaning.  Finding out which words aren't okay is as simple as lurking for a while in a so-called 'drama' community and listening to those who speak about it there.  

In no particular order, the words I feel that everyone should be eliminating from their vocabularies (and the reasons why, for those who have questions) are:

Pussy to refer to anything other than a cat and even then, you can find another word if you try, like 'kitty'.  It's a gendered insult.  Also, when it's used to refer to a weak-willed person with the spine of a jellyfish, it's misogynistic because it's also a term that's used to describe female genitalia and gives the impression that anything female-related is weak.

Cunt, whore, slut, and bitch are all 'gendered' insults.  Find another one that isn't used primarily against women, like 'asshat'.  And no, calling someone a 'dick' isn't the same as calling them a 'cunt' because women don't have the same privilege that men have.

Retarded or any variation thereof, i.e. 'fantard'.  It can be offensive to those who have mental disabilities.

Midget - can be offensive to little people.  I realize that it once was a medical term; that doesn't change that little people don't care for it to be used any longer.  Don't use it.

Lame - can be offensive to those with physical disabilities. 

Crazy/Insane to describe someone who may have a mental illness can be offensive to those who have mental illnesses.

Faggot - I refer you to sparkindarkness, because he says it a lot better than I ever could.

Gay as a negative descriptor, i.e., 'that's so gay'.  I realize that this word, like faggot, has also had other meanings, but the fact is that right now it's primarily used to describe homosexual men and when it is used as a negative in any way, it reinforces the idea, however subconsciously, that being gay is bad.

Racial slurs: The n-word is obvious, some others aren't.  For example, Joan Rivers recently called Michelle Obama 'Blackie O'.   "Gyp" as in 'to cheat' refers to Romani people.  The phrase 'grammar Nazi' downplays the impact of Nazis on the world.  Educate yourself on history before using certain words and phrases and if someone tells you that a phrase you thought was harmless was offensive to them, apologize for it and move on.

Right way to apologize: I'm sorry.

Wrong way to apologize: I'm sorry if you were offended, but my family's been using that for years and I've never heard of it as a negative before.

Keep in mind that no one has to accept your apology.

Also, please keep in mind that just because you know someone who is disabled, BGLTQP, a person of color, or a member of any other marginalized group or even if you yourself are a member of said group and don't find these words offensive, it still doesn't justify using them in polite company.  Just because you or your friend is fine with something doesn't mean that everyone else in the world has to be fine with it too.

To those who are saying, "Context is everything!  I've been using 'gay' to mean 'stupid' for years and I love gay people."  Sigh.  Again, I have to ask - who does it hurt for you to change your vocabulary versus those who are being hurt every day by those who refuse to change it?

Oh, I almost forgot, "Aren't there more important things in the world to worry about than whether or not I call someone a pussy?"  Definitely, but again, does it actually cause you physical harm to stop doing it?  Fighting against the -ism's of the world isn't solely about stopping women from being circumcised or BGLTQP persons from being flogged or stoned to death.  It's about changing the way that we, as a society, think about everyone who's a part of it.

Language is the primary way in which human beings express their thoughts and opinions.  If we are ever going to actually be an equal society, with every currently marginalized person treated with dignity and respect, we have to not only work on the big issues, but the small ones as well.  Changing our language is a part of changing how we think.  I know that since I first started trying to remove certain words from my lexicon, it's really forced me to examine everything I say and do with a new eye.  I've become much more aware of how our tacit approval of -ist language affects the everyday lives of marginalized people.

Note: I am not asking for a pat on the back for finally trying not to be an asshat (I'm well aware that I have not yet succeeded in this area).  I'm extremely aware of my privilege and do not presume to speak for anyone but myself, despite any evidence to the contrary you might have found within (or anywhere else online).  We all have to make the decision as human beings as to whether our approach to other people is to going to be, "First, do no harm," or "I don't care who's offended - this rape joke is funny!"

Finally, I'll say that I ascribe to the idea that absolutely everything is fair game in comedy, art and literature.  However, I also subscribe to the idea that people can call other people out for being asshats and it's up to the individual whether they wish to continue being one or not solely in the name of being anti-PC.

And because I've been educating myself a bunch lately, here are a bunch of links that all say all of this a lot better than I just did.

101 Primer

sparkindarkness' entire journal.

Read all of that and then come back to discuss, if you wish, :).

ETA: Proof that not being an asshat is an ongoing battle: Weak is ableist.  Thank you to 51stcenturyfox  for letting me know, :).

ETA 2: My comment thread on the post that started all of this is here. 

ETA 3: Drama communities are probably not the best place to start, lol, but if it were not for them I never would have found most of this stuff out, which is why I mentioned them.  The best place to start is with the 101 Primer and go from there, :).

This post has now been edited because my essential message was being lost and I was doing more harm than good by defending my position on one phrase.  Most of the comments regarding that phrase have now been screened.  I'm not a PoC, so my feelings on that phrase don't matter whatsoever and continuing to argue about it only detracts from the essential point of what I was trying to say. 

I apologize for the drama.

For the record I am US-born, white, queer though I easily pass for both female and straight, and able-bodied.  I have no personal experience with physical, racial or ethnic discrimination and I apologize for speaking for those groups as if I were personally invested in those particular slurs not being used.

The areas in which I have personal experience and/or a personal investment include: feminism/sexim, sex work, body image/food, sexual freedom, BGLTQP rights/homophobia, bullying, child abuse, the US foster care system, the US health care system, PTSD, anxiety, depression and mental health.  

Comments

[bedawyn.livejournal.com]

In general, I agree with you; however, I do believe that the ableism activists often go too far, and as a language professional, I'm not going to stop using an appropriate word because someone is offensensitive. There's a big difference between using "gay" (with its historically positive or neutral denotations) as a slur and using something like "lame" or "weak" as slang. Those words have negative connotations because they have negative denotations. It's built in to the words. Disability IS bad. That is not the same thing as saying that a person with a disability is bad, and if someone chooses to define themselves by their disability, that's not my problem. Language needs opposites and our brains need dichotomies. It's medically and linguistically ridiculous to insist that we shouldn't apply negative connotations to words that only exist in the first place because they represent concepts that are negatively experienced by most of those who do experience them. "Lame" is negative because being lame SUCKS. It hurts and it's inconvenient and awkward and tiring and sometimes scary. And anyone who tries to tell me there's nothing wrong with being lame is just going to get an eye roll from me. Same with "weak" and "crazy" and "insane".

And speaking of reasons for existing, I really hope you're not trying to "reasonably enlighten" yourself via drama communities. By definition, those places are not going to be bastions of well-reasoned thought, balanced arguments, and common sense. They exist because people enjoy getting huffy and histrionic or enjoy watching others get huffy and histrionic. If you think being outraged is fun and go looking for reasons to get outraged, well, sure, you'll find plenty. Doesn't mean they're good or valid reasons. Might as well drop a potato in boiling water then complain that the potato and the splashes are both hot.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Interesting perspective. However, since it costs me nothing to remove those words from my slang vocabulary, I'm going to attempt to do so, :).

And no, I'm not trying to reasonably enlighten myself via drama communities, but if it weren't for drama communities, I never would have found the other stuff, :).

Still, an ETA would probably be a good thought.

Thanks for your thoughts, :).

[simonejester.livejournal.com]

Disability IS bad.

Why?

How so?

[i0am0crazy.livejournal.com]

are you seriously asking this??
she writes:It's built in to the words. Disability IS bad. That is not the same thing as saying that a person with a disability is bad

as in it`s harder living with a disability than living totally healthy. yes that doesn`t mean that a disabled person won`t be able to live a fulfilled life, but it means it will be a lot harder for said person to do this.
if someone is blind for exampel and there would be a new procedure that would allow him to see again, do you think that person would be offended if someone offered said procedure to him because it would be offending because who are you to judge him?

know thing about the same situation with a women, a PoC or a gay person offering to change their gender,skin colour or sexual orientation? i know i would be offended because yes it implies that there`s something wrong with being a women or being black or gay.
when there is not.

this is i think the problem with being overly pc sometimes. that in our trying to eliminate "offensive language" we just think we`ve eliminated the problem when in reality we first have to acknowledge that there is indeed one.

to give you an exampel take most of the left in europe. the far right is very racist and xenophonbic and the reaction of the left is to just claim that "there are no problems with foreigners"
but there are...
there is a problem when people with a migrational background often don`t only lose their own language but also don`t really speak the new language. because of this many foreigners are effectively pushed out of a huge part of what happens in society.
there is a problem when there`s more and more xenophobia, but also more and more violence from BOTH SIDES because hate causes hate.
there is a problem when people with a migrational background don`t have the same chances for a good education.

so there are all those problems but many in the left don`t adress them because their scared of being racist.


to come back to the disabilities:
a disability is a problem. it makes life harder. our answer however should be to do what we can to provide aids so that disabled people have as many chances in life as possible, but for that to happen we have to stop kidding ourselfs and start saying things as they are.

and if you think i`m racist or offensive in any other way for it so be it. because in my oppinion making peoples life`s better is more important than holding up our little fantasy world.